Living Without Training Wheels

Bandwagons make me think of fires

2008-05-07T09:57:00.005-05:00

If you're a sports fan, this is the most wonderful time of the year - you get to watch baseball, the basketball playoffs are heating up, and NFL Draft guru Mel Kiper, Jr. has disappeared into his bat cave for another 9 months. Hooray!

Of course, if you're a CLEVELAND sports fan, it's just more of the same old nonsense they dish up in each and every postseason - regardless of the team.

Last night was terrible, folks, if you love your Cleveland Cavaliers. They really, REALLY stunk it up at the Gardens in Beantown. And, the only reason they didn't get totally SLAUGHTERED, is that Boston wasn't playing all that well either. The only thing we really had to contend with last night was the beast that is Kevin Garnett. LeBron was awful. My God, he had more turnovers than anything else. For once, I was glad to be in a bar, and therefore unable to hear what matter of ridiculous nonsense Charles Barkley was spewing during the TNT Halftime report. That's usually the highlight of my evening, but last night I was thankful for the loud 70's arena rock pumping over the speakers. Except when they started playing "More Than A Feeling". You know, by BOSTON.

And now to explain the title of this post.

If you're in a public place watching a sporting event, you don't wait until the final five minutes of the game to start cheering LOUDLY every time the winning team does something. Because that makes you a bandwagon-jumping frontrunner. And, when you're a female bandwagon-jumping frontrunner, it doesn't make you look hot. In fact, chances are the guy you're trying to impress thinks you're dumber than maybe he originally suspected. I hate to be so mean, but I have hung around enough guys to know how annoying they think bandwagon-jumpers are, regardless of how nice a rack said frontrunner has.

My question is - where were all these people last year, when Boston was purposely tanking at the end of their season to improve their chances in the draft lottery? And did they get punished for losing on purpose? No! They signed Garnett and Allen and dominated in the East this year! That makes these late-hour frontrunner shenanigans even more loathsome to real sports fans.

Of course, its an epidemic in the Boston sporting world right now. They're the new New York of sports - their football team - evil spawns of satan that they all are - is shamefully good if unable to "finish the job" so to speak, their baseball team is en fuego, and they quite possibly have the best trio on their basketball court since the days of Byrd/Parrish/McHale. Nevermind that people were sitting in the Garden at Celtics games last year with PAPER BAGS OVER THEIR HEADS!!!

I just hope I don't have to scrap with someone before the playoffs are over. I started running my mouth a bit last night, before we left said bar, at which point my boyfriend informed me that he will leave me if I get him into a fistfight over sports.

- as opposed to a fistfight over what?

I Got Nothin'...Except a Mini-Rant

2008-05-05T16:15:00.005-05:00

Yep. Nothing to tell ya. My life is so boring right now, in fact, that it's a miracle I'm still here. I should have died from inertia by now.

What do you talk about when your job is boring, your home life is boring, and you're just too damned lazy to take control of any of it?

Well, when you're me you talk about the fact that IT IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE TO BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WEARING UGGS IN MAY! My new slogan is "It's May! Put the Goddamn UGGS Away!"

I know you bitches paid a mint for those sorry excuses for boots, but it's time to let them go for a season. Besides - why would you want to put those sheepskin lined things on your feet when its warm out? Does your foot odor smell that good? I mean, I have a whole section of shoes in my closet that may not get a pardon to return for next year, they're that ripe. I cannot imagine what those boots smell like at this point.

I think some people are just more retarded than others. I guess I should take solace in the fact that, despite being completely unentertaining, I am not retarded.

Great.

Open Season on the Idiots Declared

2008-04-23T09:36:00.006-05:00

I think, if I am to survive the summer on my bike without being arrested for "accidentally" kicking someone into the lake, I need to find a route home that does not involve me getting on the lakefront path.

The urge is just too tempting, when there are three yapping Trixies walking side by side on the narrow path, or "jogging" - and everybody is swerving into oncoming traffic to get around them, because they WON'T MOVE.

Or they're trying to ride their bike while talking on their cell phone, and they swerve right in front of you.

Too tempting, I tell you.

I think Bob Dylan inadvertently penned the anthem of the Trixies when he wrote his song Idiot Wind, with the following refrain:

"You're an idiot, babe, it's a wonder that you still know how to breathe."

Right?

Oh The Person I Could Be...

2008-04-18T10:40:00.004-05:00

So apparently the whole "ride your bike to work" plan is going to take some getting used to.

I rode in today, because I woke up this morning and could not bear to do another day on the godforsaken bus. And so I got dressed, threw my hair in pigtails, packed crap in my bag, slung it over my back, and hopped on my bike.

I was feeling pretty good about myself until the first guy went WHIZZING by me at, seriously, 35 miles per hour. I didn't feel so bad at first, because I figured he was one of those hipster bike dudes and that's what they do...but then EVERYONE started whizzing by me. Then I felt inferior and fat, slow and old. Really, really old, I might add.

We're doing Bike the Drive at work this year, and I figure I have from now until May 25 to get my ass in good enough shape to do this thing. Otherwise all my co-workers are going to be leaving me in the dust, and that would not be so good. I've determined that a spinning class once a week, and time on the stationary bike as part of my cardio workout might help.

Oh, and slogging it in on my bike on the nice days, even if I do get lapped by every other biker on the path. I can only get better, right?

So I feel kinda guilty - I feel like I phoned it in making my dog list 6 things about herself. I feel like maybe I disappointed Colleen. So here's six quick things:

1. I'm OCD about cutting up the rings that 6-packs come in. I always fret about the fish or bird out there that might get tangled up and die.

2. Like Colleen, if I don't do my morning routine in order, I am liable to forget something. Today I forgot to pack my makeup bag and so now I'm sitting here with no face. Thank God it's Friday and almost everyone is out today. But seriously, sometimes the things I forget to do...you'd think a 28-year old woman could handle it, but without a routine I am hopeless. I told my co-worker yesterday, as we were walking up from Grand to catch the Michigan bus, I am kind of a disaster, and that just has to be ok. This was after I had tripped on a curb.

3. This one isn't very original, but I love making lists. I make lists of everything. When I make to-do lists I will add tasks I've already done, just so I can cross them off. (Again, not very original, but at least the other OCD list-makers out there now know they aren't alone) My workplan at work is an excel spreadsheet with color coding. I love it, and without it I would get nothing done. Really. Nothing.

4. I have an absolutely out-of-control paper fetish. I don't really have any paper-realted hobbies, really, besides journaling, but I love paper. One of my best friends works at the Paper Source. So far it's been ok, but some day I see myself dropping quite a load at their warehouse - and not on anything I really need.

5. If you could lose weight simply by knowing everything there is to know about fitness and nutrition, I would be the healthiest woman on the planet. You'd think I would practice what I preach, and man I'm trying these days, but seriously - if the sheer power of my brain was enough....sadly, it's not.

6. I have three books I need - seriously NEED to read once a year: The Sun Also Rises, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, On the Road. Something is missing in my life until I find time to sit down and catch up with Ernie, Milan, and Jack.

And that's about it. Not very interesting, perhaps, but at least I feel better about taking the easy way out with my dog. Not to mention it is kind of odd to write an entire post from her point of view...even if that is what she would sound like if she could talk. And sometimes I wonder if maybe she can...

And Now, A Word From Gracie

2008-04-16T11:40:00.004-05:00

So Mommy's blogfriend Colleen tagged her for a "6 Quirky Things About Me" Meme. Well, Mommy wasn't feeling very inspired to find 6 things about herself that were quirky. She doesn't consider purposefully beating butt-pivoters with her purse, writing her blog from her dog's point of view, or talking back to Greeny and Golic on the tv "quirky" traits - definitely crazy tendencies, but not "quirky" traits.

In fact, most days I think Mommy wonders how soon she's going to be out in the middle of the road directing traffic in her nightgown with her bra on her head - to borrow a turn of phrase from Mommy's favorite successful former-hot mess Aunt Purl. I hope it is not soon, as I need to be fed and - while I love my Daddy and Uncle Ed to death - they're not so good at those "constant care" things.

Mommy didn't want to disappoint her nice blogfriend, who she told me she'd like to meet for coffee someday and interview for this blog (HINT HINT), so Mommy asked me to share 6 Quirky Things About Me instead. Ok.

1. You know how crackheads twitch uncontrollably when they're jonesing for a high? Well, that's how I act when my Daddy gives me peanut butter. I love peanut butter, and would eat it for every meal if I could (and probably would, if Mommy wasn't around to make sure I got fed real food), but when my Daddy puts it in my Kong, or offers it to me on his finger, I go nuts. I hop around, twitch, slam my paws on the ground, and generally act like a retarded spaz for about five minutes before I'll finally take it. Usually Daddy has to lay the Kong down for me to calm down enough to start licking it out.

2. I may be a tiny little Boston Terrier, but I am a world class swimmer. In fact, I swim laps around all those lab bitches at the beach, and send their mommies into tizzies. They come shrieking up to my Uncle Ed or my daddy - "Oh my gosh! She's going to drown! Oh oh oh!". To which they usually reply "uh, no, she's fine" and look at these women like they're the retarded spaz. Besides, even if I was having trouble, nobody is going to let me drown. I'm sure even my Grandma Jan would have waded into the water at Montrose Beach last summer if I had needed help. But yeah, I'm an excellent little swimmer. Uncle Ed tells me I look like a wet rat. Thanks, Uncle Ed.

3. I really enjoy being the troublemaker at the dog park/beach. I get all the other dogs chasing me, or I dig up dead fish and cause a ruckus with my pals, and all the humans are screeching and running around trying to get their dogs away from me. Or the mess I've found. Apparently, because I am rather small, everybody thinks I'm too weak or fragile to play with the other dogs. Stupid yuppy humans. I'll kill their yellow lab named Wrigley.

4. I love stuffed animal toys. Stuffed other objects - meh, ok - but I love me some teddy bears and stuffed pink Victoria Secret complimentary-with-mommy's-six-new-pairs-of-panties dogs. Upon being given a new stuffed animal I immediately rip out the eyes and nose, and commence with pulling every bit of stuffing I can get my little paws and jaws on out of it. Mommy loathes this, as she is the one who usually walks around behind me picking fluff up off the floor. If I can't have a stuffed animal, I prefer these crazy rubber chickens in bikinis that my Grandma Jan somewhow finds for me. The squeaking drives my humans bonkers, but I love it. While we're on the topic of toys, Mommy says I'm just like a real human child - the minute she picks all my toys up that are strewn throughout the house, and put them back in my little toybox, I come along right behind her and pull all of them back out again. Don't pick my toys up Mommy. It will save you a lot of time, and me a lot of digging and rooting around.

5. I have a lot of nicknames - including stinky, smee mcphee, killer, poopy, puparooni, baby doggy...my Mommy gets a real kick out of calling me everything but Gracie.

6. I am a gassy animal. I drive my humans nuts, and off the couch, when I snuggle down with them and let one rip. And, each night after I finish my dinner, I pay special homage to my Aunt Brooke by letting loose with a healthy burp. My Mommy and Daddy stop whatever they're doing each night and wait for it, then giggle like a couple of fifth graders. I think I almost made my Grandma Jan wet her pants the first time I did it in front of her, she was laughing so hard. I can't help it and really, I don't know any better. Gas hurts. From what I can tell, its a damn sight better than some of the other nasty things I've done. Sorry Mommy.

Mommy's blogfriend told her to tag other people to do this when she is done. So she said I should tag Mood Indigo, Monica, and WithLoveFatGirl - because those are the only other blogfriends she has who haven't done this yet. So go do it. And Colleen, talk to Mo about reaching my Mommy.

Ok, I'm tired now. I think I'll go curl up in my new flannel bed and take a nap. Bye.

Misery Loves Company. Or Cleveland.

2008-04-10T09:28:00.004-05:00

But apparently, not enough.

This morning on Mike & Mike, they were reviewing the list of the Top 10 Most Miserable Sports Cities in the Nation, a list done up by Forbes magazine. The criteria for misery, supposedly, was that multiple teams perform so poorly, the plight of the fan is to be pitied by the rest of the sports world.

And yet, the city fondly known as the Mistake by the Lake only ranked 8th on the list.

8th????!!!!!

8th?????!!!!!

Where is sports misery more evident than in Cleveland? And who did this list, a trained chimpanzee? Here's a rundown of the top 7 teams in front of Cleveland, and why NONE of them deserve to be in front of C-town.

1. Atlanta - YOU HAD THE BRAVES THROUGH MOST OF THE EARLY 90's. And, how many World Series titles? Pfft.

2. Seattle - Seattle only deserves to be on this list, period, because of the current Hell Supersonics fans are being put through as the greedy owners of the NBA team and the Commissioner continue conspiring to move the team to Oklahoma. Otherwise, let's not forget the Sonics of the 90's with Kemp, Schrempf, and domination in the West.

3. Buffalo - Ok. Here's a city that might warrant a spot in this top 10 list, but definitely not in front of Cleveland. You had Jim Kelley and the Bills, and their great run in the late 80's. Next.

4. Phoenix - It's not our fault neither Charles Barkley or Steve Nash can carry a team to an NBA title. And nobody's crying for the Arizona Diamondbacks either.

5. San Diego - Ok, here's another city that maybe - MAYBE - has a place on this list, but definitely not a 5 ranking. You have LaDainian Tomlinson. Make it work. It's your fault you traded for Milton Bradley. Everybody knows he's a baseball team's equivalent of kryptonite.

6. Houston - Houston is in Texas, which by itself is reason enough for misery. Still, you had a decent Rockets team back in the day. The 'stros might make some noise this year. But, that would be a shame if they finally did it after Bagwell and Biggio retired. Bummer.

7. Denver - Let's not even get into why this is not acceptable. Does everyone forget the Broncos? If you're from the Cleveland area, there is NO WAY you forget the agony John Elway inflicted on you every year for a good run there in the mid to late 80's.

8. Cleveland - Yep. 8th.

9. Philadelphia - You have the crappiest sports fans in the nation. They boo the home team, regularly. Who cares if they're miserable?

10. Minneapolis - Natalie, I know you feel the pain here. Of all the other cities on this list, I think this one is the only one that comes close to understanding the pain, the frustration, and the agony of sports fandom that a die-hard Cleveland fan has suffered through the years. For them, Kevin Garnett was what LeBron will be to Cleveland in another year or so, when he finally leaves for JayZ and the Brooklyn Nets. And still, it's only been 17 years since that city has seen a championship title.

Of all the teams on this list only one has gone more years than Cleveland without a title - and that's San Diego at 45 years. It's been 44 YEARS in Cleveland, folks, 60 since the Indians have won a World Series. Have you met a Cleveland fan? And don't give me that "No, but I know a lot of Cubs fans" crap. Cubs fans are the biggest masochists on the planet. And they had Ditka and the Bears, Jordan - oh let's just stop there.

Cleveland sports fans are just pitiful. My boyfriend, my best friends, my brother, my father - all pitiful to behold every post-season, when the [insert cleveland team here] warps into the world's biggest group of choke artists the world has ever known. Sometimes with a 3-0 lead over another team, ahem Tribe. My heart bleeds for them. I was shocked, and angered this morning, when I saw their ranking on that list. There has never been a more miserable city for sports than Cleveland, Ohio, and there never will be until the Tribe wins the Series, the Browns have a ring, and the Cavs wipe the snoozy Spurs off the court in 4 games, instead of the other way around.

Boy, was THAT embarrassing.

And Golic, a Cleveland-area native, doesn't even defend his hometown. What gives? I root for the Yankees (despite my sincere desire for a sports divorce), I can't claim to be a Browns fan, and my love of the Cavs only blossomed when I met my hubby and actually started watching basketball regularly, but I feel the need to defend them. Am I just too empathetic?

Anyway, this has been gnawing at me this morning.

Fifty...Not So Nifty

2008-04-01T13:44:00.003-05:00

Yep, this is the 50th "Official" post on this blog.

I say "official" because there have been a few that were written, and then scrapped when I had time to think it over and come to my senses about what I do and do not want to include on this thing.

For my 50th post, I thought we would delve into a recently discussed topic, with a special twist of my own: poop. More specifically, dog poop. Even more specifically, MY dog's poop.

Which was all over my bed this morning, along with vomit. Happy Thursday mommy, I eat crap off the floor nonstop and get into crap I have no business sniffing around in, and now you get to clean up my crap!!!! And, as if that wasn't AWESOME enough, vomit!!!! Love you lots!!! I'm going to sit here watching you clean up this awesome mess, while occasionally licking my butt!!!

Let's just say that my little dog was not a good ambassador for the cause of the children, human or canine, this morning. She definitely made envisioning myself as a mother to human spawn far, FAR less appealing.

How was your Thursday?

A Week of Inconsistencies

2008-03-28T14:07:00.005-05:00

I think, along with a CTA system that is too operational to complain about at the moment, having an incredibly HOT [possibly Russian] cab driver pick you up in this the city makes my list of things you just don't see around Chicago very often.

I had to fight the urge to inform said cupcake this morning - as he transported me to Navy Pier quickly, with no cell phone attached to his ear, and offering no suggestive comments while ogling me in his rearview mirror - that if he implemented targeted client development strategies, (i.e. picking up the young women in this city) , he could make one Hell of a living as a cab driver.

Especially when his competition are as leering, smelly, occasionally indecent, and directionally challenged as they are in this city.

I also had to fight the urge to leave him a 100% tip.

I left him 75% instead.

And yes, I know what a hypocrite I am, thank you.

Cue the Pink Panther Music

2008-03-25T14:56:00.003-05:00

So I still haven't filled out my Mystery Shopper information.

The 148 has been showing up since I got my packet last week, and when it hasn't I have caught the 144 in a timely fashion. What the Hell? You give me power and then you behave?

Is it evil of me to wait until a day when the bus is wretched again before I submit my survey?

Yeah, I thought so.

Colleen They're Calling Us!

2008-03-12T19:57:00.004-05:00

So I think I have well chronicled my love/hate relationship with the #148 bus.

Sometimes it shows up, sometimes I wait 30 minutes, and sometimes I just give up and catch the pokey bus home. It all depends on any given day. It has driven me to write verse, in case you missed my previous post from a few weeks ago.

I think the CTA has sensed my frustration.

Today, both on my way to work and on my way home, on the #148 bus, I saw the following sign:

(Below a CTA logo with a spyglass over it)

Be a mystery shopper! Visit [website] or call [phone number] to be a CTA Mystery Shopper.

I am so signing up for this.....

Yeah...

2008-03-12T12:59:00.002-05:00

I've been very deliberate in what I do and do not choose to share via this vehicle, and yesterday I broke my own code. So it's gone.

Suffice it to say, I have some things I need to work on, and some things that I need help with. And I am in the process of figuring some of this stuff out.

The Land That Cable Forgot

2008-02-29T14:57:00.003-06:00

Yes, we will be returning from that horrible place this weekend.

I hate television. I really do. Before Boy and I got together, I rarely watched it. If I had my druthers, we would never go back, but... we both miss sports so bad it's sad.

And therein lies my hypocrisy, for those of you that didn't spot it right away.

I hate that it is on all. the. time. in our house. The thing is, even after free cable "disappeared" it was still on all. the. time, but now it was fuzzy and wobbly and I went to bed most nights with a pounding headache. Not good. I figure, if we're not ever going to give it up and let it go for good, at least we can not watch squiggly lines and fuzz. So we're getting cable tomorrow morning.

Just in time for baseball season, and Buster Olney, and a Cavs team that looks downright dangerous since dropping their dead weight (er, I mean Larry Hughes).

God I love sports.

Beautiful Little Fools

2008-02-22T12:31:00.002-06:00

"All right... I'm glad it's a girl. And I hope she'll be a fool--that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool."
- Daisy Buchanan, The Great Gatsby

Fitzgerald wrote these lines almost a hundred years ago. Strange, how such a statement still resonates in our modern world, maybe even more so.

In the course of engaging in the great internal debate I continually have over whether or not to procreate, I have slowly reached at least one conclusion - I definitely do not want to have a girl. I've no interest in creating yet another beautiful little fool.

I watch how girls act, and how they dress, and how little deliniation exists between one of them and the next, and it makes me so sad. Upon expressing my wish to not have a girl, today at lunch, my co-worker commented that having boys is not the solution - they just impregnate the girls. But it's not the sex that worries me. What does worry me is that there seems to be very little room in our society for girls to have personalties. I feel that the same is not the case for little boys.

They all wear Uggs. Their makeup would make Joan Crawford jealous. If they're not wearing their pajama bottoms in public, they have a pair of sweats or racing pants on. Or, if they're trying to look "nice", their jeans look as though they were painted on, and their tops should only be worn by infants. Their conversations - my God, maybe I was just a big geek when I was younger. Talking about drinking and drugs and sex and who is hooking up with who, in public, as loudly as they can, and at very young ages. Did we do that too? I mean, I know I didn't, but I was also a really big loser. I didn't have my first boyfriend until after college, for God's sake.

I don't think I could handle the disappointment of having a girl who only aspired to be exactly like all of her little friends, because to be otherwise is to condemn yourself to an adolescence of ridicule, humiliation, and exclusion - in other words, mean-girl warfare. I know I went through that, but I resolved to take a few knocks for being different - because they're all still warming bar stools in Kent, Ohio every weekend. I'm not. And I knew that when I was in high school. But I can't gamble on my daughter being as motivated or eager to do well for herself, especially in a society where being labeled a "smart girl" is all but a death sentence.

So here's what I want to know gang - from the mothers who read this blog - were you as frightened and disappointed by what you saw in little girls before you had us? And from my friends and peers here - do you feel similarly when you think about having kids? Am I just too judgemental? Am I making it a lot worse than it actually seems?

Discuss.

Ode to the 148

2008-02-20T18:19:00.002-06:00

Somedays...
I wonder if you even exist.
Standing in the cold
the wind cutting through me
my anger swells like a new bruise.

Your cousin the 135 waddles up and
goes....
empty.

And then you arrive.

Packed to the gills.
An old-fart single-loader
hot mess
of a bus.

I hate you, until
you pull up empty
at the end of the day
just as I crest the stairs on Michigan,
tired and cranky.

Some days I hate my job
and my life
but I still love you...
little Clarendon express bus.

The Disappearance of Class in America

2008-02-18T13:11:00.004-06:00

And no, I am not talking about the economic kind.

Besides, it's kind of hard for something to disappear, when nobody wants to acknowledge its existence in the first place.

No, I'm speaking of that other kind, what my mother often referred to as "raising" when I was younger. It seems that class is no longer en vogue in this country. Girls walk around in public in their pajama bottoms, with tacky, sexually suggestive words plastered across their asses. Wives of NASCAR Daytona 500 winners walk out on to the track in running jackets with their hair in scrappy ponytails. And apparently, jeans are acceptable just about anywhere these days.

This last one is the one that fueled my initial desire to write this post. So the Boy and I went to Morton's on Saturday night for our delayed Valentine's Day dinner. We had an incredible meal, and a wonderful time together, but other aspects of the evening really struck me as out of place - namely the people in their Levi's.

Oh, and the people who thought it was a "family friendly" restuarant, especially on the Saturday evening after Valentine's Day.

Maybe I am just old fashioned but if you're going to shell out Benjamins, multiple Benjamins, to eat a dinner, maybe you should leave the Levi's in the drawer for a night, and get a babysitter for the kids. Luckily, I have a man who knows better than to even think about wearing his jeans when we go to a place like Morton's, much as he loves them, but I guess every woman is not so lucky. Is nothing sacred anymore? Is it really such an EFFORT for you to put a pair of slacks on, and maybe a nice sweater? And the kids - why? Why would you even want to bring kids to a place like Morton's?

The Boy had a good point, though, and I think there is an element of truth to it - that dressing down is the "last frontier" for the nouveau riche, to differentiate themselves from everyone else, as if to say "I can afford to look like a slob." I think the same notion of skewed pride applies to those who bring their children to restaurants like Morton's - "we can afford to shell out $500 tonight with Johnny and Jenny in tow". You know, nevermind that practically everyone else in that restaurant was there on a date, you wanted a steak and you didn't want to or couldn't find a sitter.

I kind of feel bad for the old money folk who used to populate places like Morton's, and would at least put a nice sweater and pair of slacks on for the evening. Maybe a tie. Their wives and girlfriends would be tastefully attired in evening wear. They would be out together for a nice evening and yes they had all the money in the world, but they also had class. Nowadays, if you can't see the bottom curves of a woman's ass, or her bra through her shirt, she's just not trying hard enough. And her boyfriend - yes his jeans cost more than your entire outfit, but they're still jeans.

And I just kept noticing it all weekend - the girl walking out of Starbucks with her boyfriend in her Uggs and pajama bottoms, her hair piled messily in a bun atop her head. The wife of the guy last night who won the Daytona 500, who looked as though she just finished teaching gym class. Even last week at the opening for the show running right now at the Theater - the hordes of people in jeans and t-shirts. When did caring about your appearance become such a horrible thing?

Like I said, maybe I am old fashioned. My mother still believes in getting moderately dressed up to go on a plane, which I have never personally agreed with, but she always wanted us to look our best when she took us out as kids. Maybe it's a part of being poor, too - you never want someone to think less of you because you have less, so you more than compensate by always looking your best. Seems to me, though, we really do live in a society nowadays where nobody cares. Everything is so casual, but I for one do not like it. I still want to get gussied up for an evening out with my boyfriend and, while I may not always look like a million bucks on a Sunday morning coffee run, I will at least take my pajama bottoms off before going out in public.

I may not have as much money as the other people around me, but I can at least take solace in knowing I have some measure of class. And that, my friends, is priceless.

B.P.C.S.

2008-02-13T13:10:00.003-06:00

(The scene opens on a crowded accordian bus pulling up to a stop in downtown Chicago. In a seat by the back door, one young woman in the inner seat prepares to get up. In the outer seat, another young woman sits with earphones on. The former is a somewhat larger woman than the latter, bundled up in a puffy winter coat with a cumbersome grey bag slung over her shoulder. The latter is dressed for Fall, not sub-zero Chicago winter, with spike heel boots and a purse that costs more than the entire rest of her outfit. We'll call them Polly and Trixie.)

Polly: Excuse me, this is my stop.

Trixie stares off into space, not hearing Polly.

Polly: (raising her voice) Um, hi? I need to get off here?

Trixie sighs and looks condescendingly over at Polly, before scooching her legs into the aisle without getting up out of her seat.

Polly: (furious) No. You are not butt-pivoting me. Get up and let me out.

Trixie looks at Polly, utterly scandalized that someone would tell her what to do.

Polly: That's rude, you know. Just get up and let someone out.

Trixie stares daggers at Polly as she waits to exit the back doors of the bus.

Polly: (mouthing the words) Dumb Whore

(Polly climbs off the bus, the steam issuing from her ears clearly visible in the early morning cold)

Curtain

_____________________________________________________________________

So yesterday my wrath runneth over on the CTA. I'm not proud of myself, but it did give me a brilliant idea - B.P.C.S.

B.P.C.S. stands for Butt-Pivoting Commuters Suck, the new organization that was born yesterday morning on the 146. The mission of B.P.C.S. will be a simple one - insult, harrass, possibly injure, and generally humiliate butt-pivoters at every opportunity, and promote education about common sense and just plain good manners - two things a lot of people in this city do not seem to possess in any quantity. I'm envisioning bus sit-ins, and sticker campaigns - perhaps even a letter to the CTA to let us campaign with their endorsement.

I suppose if I had any friends who were obnoxious hollering assholes, they might find it very funny how obnoxious and hollering and asshole I got with little miss Trixie, but really, I had enough. I don't know you, why in the Hell would you want me climbing all over you to get out of a bus seat? I'm not a blind rat and neither are you, so why behave like one?

Now, the last little epitaph I mouthed to her was completely uncalled for, and I realize that the entire scene made me look like CTA Crazy of the Day to everyone else within hearing - hollering - distance on that bus, but it was worth it if just one person thinks twice before butt-pivoting their neightbor.

Maybe that could be part of our proposal to the CTA for proper endorsement - "B.P.C.S. - Don't let it happen to you!"

iTunes is CRACK

2008-02-10T18:30:00.000-06:00

And I am an iTunes crackhead. It is shameful to admit, and makes me feel awful, but it's the damn straight truth.

I feel the way I imagine certain friends of mine must have felt a few years back, when they discovered The Sims and spent every waking moment in front of their comupters playing God. I expect there was a similar feeling of anxiety - I must step AWAY from the computer - and a similar surrender - well, maybe just for a minute longer...I can't stop. I simply have to keep looking....clicking...reading...building...

Really, the iPods came at a perfect time for us, here at Chez Crazy-Sports-Fans-Who-Lost-Their-Free-ESPN. Sure, the ProBowl was on today, but I didn't feel like napping. Give me an NBA All-Star game or All-Star week in baseball anyday. Instead of zoning out watching sports, or trolling the aisles at Target (we did that yesterday), I spent most of the day farting around on iTunes. Today was Journey Back to the Early 90's Day, a time when I was a geeky girl who spent all her time reading and taping songs off the radio. I'd forgotten about "Girlfriend", and "Seether", and who could forget Evan freaking Dando? I had such a crush on that man.

I really enjoyed poking around on there, and finding things I hadn't listened to in almost fifteen years. It was like running in to very old and comforting friends. I was such an outcast as a teenager, and music was about the only thing besides books that I could enjoy without having to associate with the tossers I was forced to spend most of my time with at school.

I have also decided that the Brits have cornered the market on curse words and slang.

I didn't buy a lot of the stuff I tracked down today, but I did buy a few old gems. That's the one thing I am proud of...I might spend hours on my computer creating playlists and reading album reviews, but I've kept the spending at a somewhat sane level. And, I have come to realize that there is a LOT of music out there that I never really listened to all that much in my grunge-tainted youth, which I am so excited to discover for myself now, as I barrel towards 30. Like Sonic Youth, or The Jesus and Mary Chain. I realized today that I only ever skimmed the surface of their respective abysses of genius as a teenager, and there is so much more for me to hear...

Sometimes I feel like I've read the last good book, or found the last good music...and then I stumble on books like White Oleander or find bands like The Shins - both of which I HIGHLY reccommend. Or you listen to a few tracks from Goo and realize that Thurston Moore's genius extends far beyond mind-blowing Carpenter covers.

I guess I probably sound a little naive, but each of us gets there in our own time, right? Better late than never, I reckon. I dated a music snob once, and all he ever did was make me feel stupid about everything I didn't know about music. I discovered a lot of great stuff while I was with him, don't get me wrong, but there was always so much pressure to like something and know about something. I rather enjoy learning at my own pace. My iTunes feels like a kindly old professor...maybe he looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman out of Almost Famous in my mind...but I think I'm finally starting to be okay with my sometimes cliche un-hipness.

I did name my iPod Sheila, after all.

Time to go finish my Bitchin Women playlist.

The New York WHO in the Super WHAT?

2008-02-01T17:39:00.000-06:00

That, my friends, was not expected. My NFL picks really petered out big time this year, but even if I had stayed the course on here, I NEVER would have picked the New York Giants to be the NFC Champs playing in the big game this weekend out in Arizona.

Yes, it's that most American of holidays this weekend, Super Bowl Sunday, time when even if you made resolutions on New Years Day to quit eating junk and drinking beer like your job, it's okay to pig out and get wasted. You don't even need to know a damn thing about football anymore to enjoy Super Bowl Sunday. Hell, most people only tune in nowadays for the commercials.

I really could care less about this game. Watching the Patriots win the Super Bowl is akin to the feeling you had in high school when the popular girl (who was spreading her legs for a different member of the football team each weekend, but we digress) was "elected" Student Council president. There's resentment, a flash of annoyance that they're your representative of success, but then your life goes on and you're still a geeky girl who likes sports. Who wants to watch winners win? Not me. I hope smee Manning plays his little heart out. And, there's someone on the Giants named Plaxico. Sounds like the name of a synthetic materials corporation to me, but no, it's a player's first name. That rocks. I'm down with rooting for a guy named Plaxico and the smee Manning, who has probably been living in older brother Peyton's shadow since the day he was born.

So you know what I'll be doing this weekend...yukking it up on a couch somewhere, beer in hand, praying silently over and over with each down that someone for the love of Christ sits on Tom Brady's head and squashes it like a kumquat.

I guess the entire season was made for me to have this final moment of hatred.

Movin' On Up

2008-01-23T21:45:00.000-06:00

Well, we finally did it.

Mother, we did not get engaged. Put the phone down and eat some Tums.

While we're on the subject of ridiculous ideas you get, your Hints from Heloise column was anything but subtle, but we'll....keep all that in mind.

We did, however, take another big step into the 21st Century tonight with our purchases of...

God this is almost like confessing I bought Uggs.

We bought ipods.

I have no idea how to use the thing, yet, but my ear has been talked. off. this week. You want to know the major differences between the Zune and the iPod? I can tell you. Finally, tonight, he couldn't stand it anymore and off we went to Best Buy. It even trumped his desire for dinner. I'm surprised I even managed to score time at the computer to write this. But, the Boy got tired of watching itunes convert six million music files.

It's cool though. It's more space than I can ever possibly fill, or use, but I can download entire Harry Potter books to listen to. That's pretty frickin awesome.

On another note, today was my first day at work alone. My predecessor left yesterday. I came to work this morning to find a beautiful and hearty little plant on my desk, with a very touching card attached, from my boss on behalf of her and my new co-workers telling me how thrilled they are to have me. Then, one of them brought in celebratory donuts. He and I are going to be great friends. I choked up a little, and said a little thank-you to the Universe for my happy little job, and then proceeded to spend the rest of the day moving into my permanent workspace and being happy.

And now I can ignore CTA drama and listen to entire Belle & Sebastian albums if I want every morning and afternoon. On my way to work. Like every other little Chicagoan. Normally I loathe the sheep mentality that infuses our modern society [read: I won't wear Uggs], but I no longer pay a car payment and I tell my mp3 player what I want to listen to, instead of the other way around. So, there are tradeoffs.

Commemorating A Life Well-Lived

2008-01-21T06:09:00.001-06:00

Albeit, a short one.

Every year I post on Martin Luther King Day. It's a day that, in my former profession, is holy. It's still holy for me, even if I am not out there anymore fighting the good fight. When I fall short of being the person I want to be, in any way in my life, I always feel a sense of guilt when I think of Dr. King, who worked so hard and gave so much. I don't have much to say this morning. Each year I remind us all to keep our eyes on the prize, and keep working together to get up that mountain, of which he spoke in his last public address. That advice still holds true. Even if you're not a union organizer, or a professional ruckus-maker, there are still small things we can all do in our every day lives to uphold his memory and the ideals he ended up paying for with his life.

Respect your neighbor, even when he's being rude and butt-pivoting you on the train. We're all on our own journey in this world, but we rarely take time to walk a mile in our neighbor's shoes. Remember, when you assume you're making an ASS out of U and ME. I know that sounds cheesy, but I know I sometimes jump to rash judgement of people - maybe because I feel they're being rude - when really I have no idea what's happening in their life. Simple respect for others, even those who you feel don't share your opinion on manners or courtesy, is a building block of living in a world with justice.

Believe in a better world - that's the first step to making it happen. If you can't get your head around a vision of how things should be, there's very little chance of that vision becoming more than a mirage in your private world. Dr. King believed that we could do better. We're still not doing great, but stop and consider this - it's for damn sure the two frontrunners for the Democratic presidential nomination forty years ago were neither female nor African American. Progress takes time, but you have to believe it can happen.

And those are the two thoughts I will leave you with today. They are, I believe, two of the building blocks of the foundation Dr. King laid for all of us. We're not all the same, but we can share a vision. When we respect each other, and we believe in our momentum to do great things, then we can get up that mountain together. Again this year, I ask you to ask yourself - are you helping others to climb, or are you stepping over them to get to the top?

I hope you'll join me today in taking a minute to celebrate the life of a truly exceptional human being.

Better Late Than Never....

2008-01-10T18:51:00.000-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Well, I hope that everyone's 2008 is off to a fabulous start. Being that it is an even year, we can all assume that it is already going better for me than last year. Of course, last year at this time I couldn't walk and I had a surgeon who creepily reminded me of this one boss I hated, preparing to slice me open.

It's been rough finding time to get on here. For one, I spend the better part of my day when I'm not working either trying to get to work or get home from work. Thanks CTA! And then, when I do get home, my roommate is parked on the computer. For the night. Yeah.

Speaking of the CTA, let me tell you about the #148 bus. In my little world, waiting for the 148 is a bit like waiting for Godot in Beckett's. It supposedly exists, but it just...never shows up. Now, if you want good crabbing commentary on the sorry state of Chicago's public transit system, then you need to head over to Chicago Commuter Commentary (see column at left, as hyperlinks generally baffle me, sorry). She's cornered the market on the quintessential pissed off - and rightfully so - patron of the CTA. However, as a relative newbie to this "taking public transit to work" thing, I feel I have some right to vent my frustration with the lackluster service and perpetual DOOMSDAY threat we are compelled to contend with every day.

But I digress.

My point is, when the #148 finally does come waddling up, every half an hour or so, if you're lucky, it's the only express bus that is RARELY an accordian bus on the 140 Michigan express route, but instead tends to be an old sputtering and lurching regular one that should have been put out to pasture during the first Daley's administration. And, it's packed to the gills. Like mackerel in a can, people. Yesterday I let one stop and go again without taking me, because there was no room for me unless I felt like getting Santa-Clause-level personal with the driver, and that probably wouldn't have been safe.

Every morning I am faced with a commute that would be pleasant, if I wasn't being smooshed up against 65-70 of my neighbors, some of whom never got the memo on anti-perspirant being REQUIRED. The bus is generally quiet. Everyone is half awake, bleary eyed, reading the Red Eye or occasionally - if they're lucky enough to grab a seat - snoozing on their neighbor's shoulder. In the evening it's the same - albeit a little noisier as you contend with hyperactive packs of teenage girls and people yapping away on their cell phones - but the 148 zooms up Lakeshore Drive to Irving Park and spits me out only a block away from my house. That's nice.

My point - and I knew you were beginning to wonder if I had one - is this - people use these buses. A lot. They are a main artery of transportation in this city, especially since they supplement the service provided by a train line that is perpetually full and filthy, even at 8am in the morning. And yet, in this latest round of CTA's Chicken-Little-The-Sky-Is-Falling-Doomsday panic they're all slated to be axed. Gone. Done. There aren't enough of them as it is, to transport the people that rely on them to get home. How the Hell do they expect people to function without them? And it's not just these buses. My co-worker relies on one of two buses to get her to a train station or get her home from the train, in a pretty sketchy neighborhood. They're both going. Another co-worker of mine lives in B.F.E. (i.e. the West side of the city) and already faces an almost 2 hour commute each day. His bus is gone.

Get your bicycles ready people, because shit is about to come to a head here. I know, the CTA has threatened and pleaded and caused a general panic before, only to be bailed out at the last minute - but I'm not seeing it happen this time. You can only rob Peter to pay Paul for so long.

Perhaps the only remedy to avoid living this lousy nightmare is to get organized, call our state representatives, and tell these FUCKTARDS in Springfield to get off their asses and FIX THIS MESS once and for all. Sometimes being an activist is the only way to get shit done, and this is one time where I think we all could agree it's

- [insert name of the post here].

2007: What I Did And Didn't Do

2007-12-28T06:30:00.000-06:00

I really don't anticipate being back on here before the New Year begins, so I thought I would go ahead and write my sort-of annual year end summary this morning and be done with it and, figuratively, 2007.

To begin, I would like to pay my respects to Dr. Ray Seidelman one last time, for being one of the most incredible teachers I ever had. It pains me that I had to learn of his illness and death via a Sarah Lawrence fundraising appeal, and it's been hard to accept. I really wish I had had the chance to say goodbye.

Pay attention to the people in your lives who matter, and never forget them, or what they have done for you, be they friends, family, or mentors. You may never be given the opportunity to say goodbye. That is the lesson I learned this year.

My thoughts also go out to three of my dearest friends, John, Gail, and Jamie, who lost loved ones in 2007. This year wasn't the best one I've had, but each time I start thinking I'm so unfortunate I remember that others have been through worse than me this year. Friends, if you're reading this, I've been thinking about you and hope you are coping well.

As I look back over this year it seems that I keep reviewing it in the framework of "I did this...but I didn't do this". I don't know how constructive that has been for me. 2007 was not the typical odd year for me. Usually the odd years are the worst. They just...stink, for lack of a better phrase. 2007 didn't stink. It wasn't the stellar of an even year, by any stretch of the imagination, but really - maybe what I should come to expect in life? My mother and I have both always said the even years are better to us. The even years have always rocked my world, in one way or another. Dare I hope that 2008 is one of those years?

So what did I do? And what didn't I do? Well, let's break it down:

1. I did have surgery and repair my broken busted back. I didn't get back on the exercise horse, however, and now I am back to my overweight eatin-bad-store-bought-cherry-pie-for-breakfast-as-we-speak self. I really, really haven't liked much about myself in 2007. I started smoking again after surgery, I quit eating healthy, and I generally turned into a house hermit this year. There are butt imprints on our couch, from where we have sat and watched hours of sports. Which brings me to #2....

2. Despite all the undesirables mentioned in #1, I managed to build and maintain a really healthy and happy relationship with the most wonderful guy in the world this year. Heck, he must love me - he did move out here with me and all - even though it's been hard for me at times to love myself. He has been a rock this year, and without him I would not have made it to where I finally am. I owe him a lot, and I love him a lot, and I just hope he knows that.

3. I finally walked away. It took a long time, and an infuriating lunch date with one of my (supposed) mentors to make it happen, but I finally found the courage to quit trying to be who I thought everyone else wanted me to be, professionally. I am not built for picket lines, or loud obnoxious rallies, or other hokey social activist stunts - and I'm certainly not built for constant politician ass-kissing. Liberals can fling the poo at the conservatives all they want, but let me tell you something - they spend just as much time kissing political ass as their right-wing crazy counterparts. Granted, I'd rather kiss Dennis Kucinich's ass than Trent Lott's, but ass-kissing is ass-kissing is ass-kissing. Quit being so damn self righteous, my friends. In the grand scheme of things you aren't much better, and you're not doing much better, are you?

Damn, that felt good to say. Moving on to #4.

4. I finally came back. It took three years in Cleveland to really really understand that I am not okay with living in Ohio. There are some great things in Ohio - my family, my friends, I found my boyfriend and my puppy there - but there's also a lot of not-so-great things, and it was starting to depress me, seeing them every single day. A lot of those things that are wrong are wrong all over America, not just there, and certainly if you drive ten miles out of Chicago in any direction you can see some of them here in Illinois, too, like the cookie-cutter sameness. Hell, if you look at most womens' winter boot choices it even seeps in here, in the city, too.

Seriously. Does anyone NOT own a pair of those ugly ass UGG's with ridiculous pom-poms and faux fur? And does anyone know where a girl can find a pair of NORMAL winter boots that actually a) will keep my feet dry, b) will not cause me to have a disasterous accident and c) will not look so damned tacky? And don't tell me Zappos. I flipped through 26 pages of FUGLY before I finally gave up.

But it's nice to live in a city, and take public transit, and NOT have a Wal-Mart every two miles. I always wanted to come back here, and do it on my terms, and I finally did it. It probably would never have happened if I had not come to a very serious conclusion about those things mentioned in #3, but I did, and so I did. Make sense? And since I've been back here I have been able to find space and time...for myself, for my friends, for my family...and that has made me an all-around better adjusted person. When I started the new job they kept apologizing to me over and over about how long the whole process had taken, but I had to assure them that it happened the way I needed it to happen. I needed these past few months to come down from where I was, and to figure some things out. My reward for waiting was finding something pretty damn exciting and special. Good things are worth waiting for. That is a lesson I learned this year, too.

My friend John (another one) wrote a song a few years back, a very good little diddy he calls "The Ant Song", and some of the lyrics went "And so I look to the future, and not the world I leave behind." I'm very excited, moving forward into 2008. This year felt like a bridge, or a growth spurt, and for that I am very grateful, but it's time for what comes next.

Happy New Years, everyone. Be safe, have fun, and make it special. I'll see you in 2008!

Almost Over...

2007-12-27T19:09:00.000-06:00

Everyone should get the time between Christmas and New Year's off. It's just a weird, weird time of year. Nobody should have to try to navigate their way to the express buses on Michigan Avenue during this week, when every suburban teenager within a 50 mile radius of Chicago is down there shopping. It's torture, really. I don't ever remember being that annoying as a teen.

Speaking of the new job, it is going really well. It's been keeping me busy and keeping me off the internets, so I aplogize for the delay in posting this week.

I hope you all had a nice Christmas. We ate our weight in cookies, ribs, and ham around here, and drank tequila. Quite the holiday, let me tell you. All in all it was very relaxing and definitely more desirable than spending eons in the car trying to drive to Ohio and back in just a few days.

Still, I'm ready for this year to end. I know I am not the only person who feels this way. I already feel as though the new year, with the new job and the new attitude, has already arrived, and this time is just filler. It just needs to be over.

In Lieu Of.....

2007-12-22T01:23:00.000-06:00

Well, I failed once again.

Earlier this year, I went through the extensive trouble of collecting all of my friends' addresses. I was keeping a running toll of them on SHOCKINGLY HOT PINK cardstock. I go looking for it this week, and wouldn't you know it's gone? We can't open mailboxes, or pick up the crap lying around for weeks. on. end. but we can throw away my addresses.

Alas, dear friends of mine, there will be no Christmas cards this year. I am...devastated. Perhaps if I re-collect the information in time, you will have a New Years Eve card, but...well...let's be safe and plan for St. Pat's.

In lieu of a Christmas greeting from me and mine, I present the following photographic entry, entailing 2 days in the lives of two creatures, who have bonded forever during the copious amount of time they spent together in 2007. I like to call this piece - oh hell, who cares?

Here we are, pre-baking. Actually, somebody in this house other than me took this picture, but it captures her typical daytime mood perfectly and I couldn't help adding it.

And here's a shot of the preparation table. As you can see, we went a bit nuts in the baked goods aisle at the Jewel. But, to be fair, everything was on sale and I'm useless when confronted by buy one get one free.

And for our two perfect presents, one from Mommy and one from Friend:

Here's a lovely batch of wonky pinwheels. I'm thinking Jamie and I might be the only people on this planet who could appreciate these cookies both for their crazy Willy Wonka style appearance and their chocolate/raspberry taste. I could be wrong, though.

And now, for the requisite time-passers while the cookies bake bake bake away:

Always on, in our house, of course.

And some Christmas knitting to wile away those 15 minute bake times:

(Oooh, who could this be for?)

Voila! A sample of the finished product, which I later hauled over to our neighborhood bar. They were very excited about cookies. They are also men. Men love cookies. So do puppies.

I think this picture captures both my mood and her mood at the end of this 2-day process:

I think she was also pissed off because Grandma Jan's Christmas Christmas present was neither killable nor chewable - it was a new Cleveland Indians collar - but Grandma Judy came through later on in the day with two little stuffed animals that she promptly tore apart. I think my little dog has issues.

Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope your holidays are safe, fun, and special! I look forward to checking in with you again sometime next week with new job news, more sports rants, and a word or two from Gracie.

To Be Someone In A Short Short Life

2007-12-19T12:49:00.000-06:00

Well, I quit my coffee shop job this morning. More on that in a second.

Last night, as I opened a week's worth of mail, since I'm the only person in this household who apparently knows how to open the mailbox, I came across a rather bulky envelope from my alma mater Sarah Lawrence. I tossed it to the side and kept thumbing through a variety of bills and Christmas cards for the three of us. Finally I picked it up and, rolling my eyes, opened it, figuring it was yet another appeal for my money.

Well, it was, but it was also the program from a memorial service the college recently held for one of my favorite professors at Sarah Lawrence - Dr. Raymond Seidelman - who passed away last month after a lengthy battle with cancer.

Ray, as he was known to those students who took his seminars and got thrown out of Wal-Marts with him, like me, was an exceptional teacher and one of my earliest adult mentors. He is definitely part of the reason I pursued the career path that I did for seven years after leaving college. His passion for social activism, and the rational way in which he could navigate the often seedy world of politics, inspired me. I had both of my internships in college at unions, thanks to his classes and his encouragement. He had my father in at one time to talk about working in the labor movement. After college he met up with me in Las Vegas when he was out there on a lecture tour, to spend a day on the job with me, getting thrown out of Wal-Marts and making house calls. He seemed thrilled that one of his students had chosen this path, and that he could be a part of making it happen. After that day in Las Vegas I emailed with him a few more times, and then we never communicated again. A few years ago, however, his daughter was attending Oberlin College in Ohio and contacted me while I was working in Cleveland, to inquire about an internship with us. Sadly, things were so insane at the time, and I wasn't in a position to do what I could to help her out, and she never came to work with me, and I will regret that for the rest of my life.

I sat and cried like a baby last night. People come into and exit our lives regularly, and it's sad to think that it's only when they're where we can't talk to them anymore that we realize what an impact they had on us. These last few months have been really tough, trying to figure out what it is I want to do, yes, but also leaving me questioning so much of what I thought I believed in this world. I felt a tremendous sense of guilt, last night, and a tremendous sense of weakness. I left my job, and working in what I was doing, because I was tired of getting up and fighting every day - oftentimes on behalf of people who thought I was the problem or didn't want my help, period. And so I walked away, and figuratively told those people to shove it. You don't want my help? Fine. I'm not sacrificing myself to fight for you anymore. But why was I so weak? Ray never got tired. It pains me to think what he would say to me, if I told him I had left the labor movement. I know deep down it's not the path for me, and that my reasons for leaving go beyond my reluctance to fight for people who do not want my help, and I have to make peace with that, but I just felt terrible for a moment. If nothing else, last night reminded me that life is too short to spend it doing anything you don't want to do.

And so this morning at 5:30 I got up, like I've been doing every weekday now for about a month, to go open the coffee shop. I was still pissed off from yesterday, and Monday, because this week in there has been real...trying on my patience - and those of you who know me well know that I do not possess much of that to begin with. I had to ask to be paid this week. They wouldn't even come in on Monday to write out my check. When they finally did write it out they ripped me off for three dollars because...ugh...you get the picture, I hope. I may not inherit much from my mother, but the one thing I did get was an absolute refusal to put up with bullshit over money. After all, life is too short.

And so I called them and pretty much told them to shove it up their ass. And then I went back to bed.

It was a real Peter-from-Office Space kind of moment, and very liberating, even if I was ashamed I had to resort to that kind of behavior to stick up for myself. Most of you who know me know that I can be kind of a pushover and a doormat, so this morning's move was a bold step forward for me. Besides, I want to be ready when I start my new job next week, and not full of resentment and stress, so now I have a few days before the holidays to get my head straight. If I am trying to change my path, and succeed in whatever it is I am doing next, I need to be focused on where I am going. I think I owe at least that much to myself, and the people in my life like Ray, who ultimately helped me get to the point where I could make these kinds of choices instead of being stuck working for chump change, which is the only choice a lot of people have.

Besides, I think you all might agree that if I have reached the point where I am seriously tempted to throw scalding hot milk in the face of a snotball Trixie, I probably have no business working there anymore. I'm just saying, is all.

Moving ON

2007-12-17T16:34:00.000-06:00

I'm tired of being poor.

I'm tired of working and having to ask for my paycheck.

I'm tired of pouring coffee for condescending snotball Trixies who have migrated North from Lincoln Park. (Or have never been able to afford to live there in the first place) I may be wearing my boyfriend's Cavs shirt and a grubby pair of tennis shoes, and serving you an extra hot/extra shot latte, but I am definitely happier than you, if only because I am my own person and not just another cookie-cut mold of a personality type. I don't drive a Jetta, or have a sorority pin, or wear the standard-issue designer winterwear that so easily marks your ilk. I probably know more about your alma mater's football team than you ever did, and I've never highlighted my hair with blond streaks.

In fact, I guess rather than wanting to scald you with your extra hot milk, I should just pity you. It must be really hard, walking around with dung shoved under your nose all the time, and looking like a million other girls traipsing around this city.

I'm ready for a new life.

And Another Thing...

2007-12-14T11:42:00.000-06:00

As far as picks go this week, here's the bare essentials you need to know:

In order for Cleveland to secure a playoff berth they need to win this weekend and both Tennessee and Denver need to lose. Denver lost last night, Tennessee is playing Kansas City, so that's probably not going to happen unless the Chiefs pull some magic out of their asses, and Cleveland faces Buffalo who may actually come out on top in this game. I'd love for Cleveland to win and both Denver and Tennessee to lose in these situations. Additionally, if Pittspuke loses this week to Jacksonville and Cleveland wins, they are tied for the best record in the AFC North, I believe, and if it would happen again next weekend Cleveland could feasibly win the division, I think. That would be great. But I could be wrong about all of that. I do know Jacksonville is also vying for an AFC wild card, so if they lose it might help the dawgs too. This is where math and stats come in to play, and we all know how good I am not at those. Moving on.

New England and New York Jets should be a great game to watch, as it may well be the BIG PAYBACK New England dishes out for the guys in green for outing them in the first week of the season for BEING A BUNCH OF CHEATERS! It would be great if the Jets pulled off some kind of miracle here, but I'm not holding my breath and neither should you.

Chicago's season is over, but Minnesota (who they play Monday night) actually has a shot at securing an NFC Wild Card. I mourn the Bears on behalf of my lovely Friends, but the purple barbarians are hot hot hot right now. Other than that game, I really don't care who wins or loses this weekend. I've expended all of my sports energy this week on baseball, either way.

Have a good one.

My Two Cents On Selig, Mitchell, And Their Silly Report

2007-12-14T10:58:00.000-06:00

Yes I have an opinion on the Mitchell Report, which came out yesterday and outed over 80 former and current baseball players who used, allegedly bought, or otherwise distributed performance-enhancing drugs, and here it is:

Thank you Bud Selig. You have completely destroyed the game of baseball, in the hopes of clearing your own conscience and preserving your own legacy, and it's your head that folks should be calling for right now.

Bud Selig and Major League Baseball should have nipped the steroid era in the bud, back in the mid-90's when it was pretty probable that Mark McGwire and Jose Canseco and others were raging on the 'roids. But no they didn't, and why not? Because McGwire and Sosa and the chase for the single-season homerun record was making baseball money, and we all know what talks and what walks. Now, Selig's office and the lead investigator George Mitchell want to point fingers at the MLBPA, the union representing the players, and not so subtly hint that the delay in implementing a drug testing policy until the 2002 contract re-negotiation was their fault.

I'm sorry, but I'm not buying that for one second. As the Commissioner of baseball, and the person (supposedly) in charge of overseeing every operation in baseball, I believe it would have been well within Selig's discretion to address the steroid issue right then and there, and I'm sure it could have happened with the cooperation of the MLBPA. And, if it didn't, then perhaps Selig should have taken a page out of his NFL counterpart Roger Goodell's book and come down like a ton of bricks on everyone, and assume an authoritarian role, and right baseball's house. But Selig would never do that, and why not? Because the Commissioner of baseball is a stool pigeon for the club owners. They tell him jump, and he asks how high. There was no way in hell, in the midst of the outrageous record-breaking and homerun-hitting, that Selig was going to do anything that might jeopardize the revenue these owners were raking in.

So where does that leave us today? With a 3-ton, 400 page report in our hands singling out over 80 individual players who, according to some rather dodgy resources, allegedly either injected, purchased, or distributed steroids and/or HGH - human growth hormone. A report that was commissioned by the head offices of baseball, a report that points no fingers at team owners or high-ranking club officials for turning a blind eye, and a report that not-so-subtly wants to blame the steroid era on the one organization within Major League Baseball responsible for watching out for the players, by insisting that it was not within the collective bargaining agreement at the time and that, allegedly, there was nothing that could be done at the time.

It's amazing, how quickly and closely the ownership in any workplace wants to adhere to the union contract when their own asses are on the line.

But in this situation, allegedly doesn't matter. The reputations of these outed players are permanently damaged, regardless of whether or not they ever really did use steroids, because Bud Selig wanted the heat taken off of him for allowing the steroid era in baseball to happen, nay flourish, during his tenure as Commissioner. The sad fact is, I'm sure many of the players named probably did use drugs, but cheating in baseball is nothing new. It's often been said - If you ain't cheating, you ain't trying. Does that make it right? No, absolutely not. But it should never have taken until 2007 to realize that a policy and plan of action needed to be implemented in Major League Baseball which would adequately and fairly monitor and identify the use of these substances by players. We never should have reached a day where Barry Bonds is being indicted by a federal grand jury, or Roger Clemens is now facing the very real possibility of never being elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, despite his 7 Cy Young Awards. If they in fact, at any time, were using steroids or other performance-enhancing drugs, then that should have been it. Goodbye Barry and Roger, your stats are null and void, and we are Pete Roseing you out of baseball.

But we do not have that proof, that piss proof, if you will. The report is mostly speculation and heresay. And you can't prove anything with either of those factors. Bud Selig commissioned the report, George Mitchell - a former U.S. Senator and former member of one team's brass (the Boston Red Sox) - led the investigation, and the entire report was compiled based on interviews with people other than those who were named within it's pages. What about that is right, or fair, or conclusive? December 13th 2007 will go down as one of the worst days in baseball history, if not the worst - a day when the integrity of the game we call a National Pastime was thrown under the bus to salvage one man's legacy.

But, it's often been said - If you let the fox guard the henhouse, don't be surprised when you're missing a few eggs. It seems to me that Major League Baseball has a lot to do to get their house in order, and if you ask me, the cleaning needs to start at the top.

Hump Day Humdrums

2007-12-12T15:20:00.000-06:00

Howdy!

Did you see I only lost 3 games last weekend??? I rock!

I'm sitting with a puppy on my lap. She says hello.

So we're not leaving Chicago for Christmas. More on that later....

God to Rex: NOW Do You Get It?

2007-12-07T12:00:00.000-06:00

Didn't win last night, did I? Of course that contest resembled a war zone more than it did a football game, what with everyone dropping like flies and knees sliding all up and down leg bones. Poor little Rex Grossman. It's as if God is really trying to tell him that football wasn't the path He chose for him. Broadcaster or Stockbroker maybe, but not NFL Quarterback.

And who do the Bears put in? Brian Griese. Uh...there's some dude named Kyle Orton on your team who is reportedly not totally putrid in the pocket, even if your offensive line does look like a Rockettes chorus line. Why not him? Lovie, sweetheart, I fear your days are numbered.

BUT! They finally played Devin Hester on offense!!! Did you see it?! Oh wait, of course you didn't because it was on NFL Network and if you don't live in Chicago it wasn't on national television and so maybe this whole post is TOTALLY confusing for most of you. Oh well. Here's a quick summary: Rex + Knee Injury = Carted off the field, Hester + Offense = More Completions and Yards, Redskins QB + Stomach-Turning Tackle = Even Worse Injury Than Rex....you get the picture now, right?

Maybe if the whole game hadn't been such a hot mess on both sides it would have been a totally different outcome. Ah well. Woulda shoulda coulda.

Anyway, on to the rest of the weekend in the NFL!

St Louis vs. Cincinatti: The Rams suck, the Bengals aren't much better, but they're playing at home. There's no danger of the Bengals catching the Browns, much less the Steelers, so we'll pick the River City Kitties.

Dallas vs. Detroit: The Lions have finally become their typical putrid selves, of course. Their Quarterback is on the Dallas Defensive Lines' shit list for some reason, and he's also an annoying born again Christian. And I love Tony Romo even if he has taste for shit in women. And who doesn't love T.O? Go Cowboys go!

Oakland vs. Green Bay: Hmmm...Favre was hurt in their showdown last Thursday vs. Dallas, which also was on the NFL Network so you probably didn't see it. He's coming back, this week, supposedly. I think Green Bay has a shot, being at Lambeau and used to playing in hellish Wisconsin weather and all, but I AM interested to see whether or not the Raiders utilize their Number One Draft Pick QB Jamarcus Russell this week. Still, there is that whole Bad Dad Karma thing, and Lord knows I don't need any of that right now....Green Bay.

Miami vs. Buffalo: Talk about the battle of who could care less. It's kind of funny - the 1972 Dolphins are the only team to ever go undefeated in regular season, and this year - when the Evil Empire is attempting to horn in on their glory - they are on track to go completely winless for the year. I don't really see that changing this week. Pass the pipe Ricky, I'm taking the Bills.

Tampa Bay vs. Houston: I know enough now to say with a fair amount of certainty that the Bucs are the better team here. So, I'll take em!

San Diego vs. Tennessee: The Titans are scrabbling to maintain a good position for the playoffs, while San Diego is sitting pretty comfortable atop the AFC West - even after a lousy start (Did you hear that Bears? SOME teams pulled it together!) I think I'll take San Diego here. They seem to be on a roll.

Carolina vs. Jacksonville: I take what I said earlier back. THIS is really the battle of who could care less. Jacksonville, if only because they are trying to stay on Indy's heels for the AFC South title.

New York Giants at Philly: Hmmm, take one part Eli Manning meltdown, stir in one Donovan McNabb injury and shake well. What do you get? One big messy game. Still, I like the Giants here. Don't ask me why. Maybe it's Jeremy Shockey. I like that name, don't you?

Arizona vs. Seattle: Ah, the battle for the NFC West. Let's take the Seahawks. I'm still salty Arizona beat Cleveland last week in a game that was BASICALLY HANDED TO THEM BY THE REFS!!!!!!! Moving On.

Minneapolis vs. San Francisco: All week they've been talking about how "hot" the Vikings are. In the name of restoring Natalie's faith, let's hope its true and not hype. Besides, the 49ers are terrible. Terrible!

Pittsburgh vs. New England: Oh man. Some PEON on the Steelers team started talking smack this week, and now this game is even more of a showdown than it already was. God knows this is the last team on the Pat's schedule that even has a snowman's chance in Hell of theoretically beating them this year, especially in light of the "close calls" of the past two weeks - which shows just how tired New England is getting - but nothing good can come of a shittalker who starts running his mouth "gauranteeing a win." Um, who are you? Shut up, play the game, and beat their ass. In the name of all that is good, and holy, and right in this world, make sure your team's collective ass can cash the check your solitary mouth just had to write. You have the best defense in the NFL. Prove it. Ram it so far down Brady and Belichick's throats its coming out their asses. If you don't, my plans to Nancy Kerrigan Tom Brady's ass might just have to apply to you...wait...what was your name again?

Cleveland vs. New York Jets: My God, if the Browns can't beat the Jets, then there's no point playing the rest of their schedule this year. We were amazed at 5 wins this year, but if they win this weekend, and make it a .500 season regardless of the rest of the year, my boyfriend might actually die of a stroke. If the Browns played in the NFC, we might actually be looking at a playoff run. As it stands, I don't think these dawgs can run with the big boys just yet. But watch out folks. Watch out.

Kansas City vs. Denver: The Broncos play terrible in KC, but really well at home. I'm optimistic they will hold the Chiefs off this week and keep their own playoff hopes alive.

Indianapolos vs. Baltimore: The Colts are pretty banged up and the Baltimore D actually kept it close against New England last week. If the D can find a way to contain Manning's arm, it just might be enough to make up for their atrocious lack of offense. Still, they do love the penalties. I've never seen a Defensive Line jump offsides so many times in one game in my life. I'm sticking with Indy this week. I might regret it, but there you are.

New Orleans vs. Atlanta: You know, this is probably the most boring Monday Night Football game that will be played this year. I think Michael Vick is getting sentenced that day though, so let's celebrate. Go Saints!

There you have it. Tune in next week and see how I did.

The Battle of Who Could Care Less

2007-12-06T15:15:00.000-06:00

That would be me vs. the entire Washington Redskins team, concerning the outcome of tonight's primetime game against the Bears.

I can't imagine, after attending teammate Sean Taylor's funeral on Monday, that anyone playing for the Redskins could give two hoots about the game they have to play here in a few hours. I know if I was a football player, and one of my teammates was gunned down in a senseless foiled robbery attempt, my head wouldn't be in the game at all.

That being said, I don't really have much interest in tonight's game either. Rooting for the Bears, this season, has kind of been like dating a Gemini man - sometimes they wow you, and sometimes you wonder who in the Hell is sitting across from you. My man is a Libra, thank God, and nothing in the stars points to anyone performing any miracles for the Bears this week, besides Devin Hester, of course, but now that's to be expected and can hardly be considered miraculous in any sense of the word.

I'll take the Bears, because this week I think mediocre incompetence will trump straight grief. I'll be back tomorrow with the rest of this week's picks, I promise, and I do apologize for the hiatus. Things were just kind of crazy around here the last few weeks...

Ugh. Can this month just end, please?

2007-12-05T14:40:00.000-06:00

I am so not ready for the holidays but I AM ready for 2007 to be over. After all, there are so many wonderful things to look forward to in 2008 - new job, new body, and maybe new other things too.

The coffee shop gig is getting old, guys. Nobody in that place tips consistently, the owners want me to work nonstop because they don't want to work at all, and they certainly do not respect my boundaries. I've realized, with this small job, that I am way, WAY, too easygoing and accomodating. The old saying is totally true - give people an inch, and they will take a mile. I was warned when I started, by the guy I replaced, that if I said yes once they would ask all the time, but I was just too nice to say no that first time. Consequently, they are now walking all over me. Since getting my new gig, I've tried to explain to them that I am trying to change my routine slowly, so that by next month when I start I am well-adjusted to working out, leaving my dog for periods of time, etc. etc., but they simply do not listen or don't care. It is astounding to me, sometimes, how self-centered most people walking around this planet are.

This particular habit is changing. I've had a whole six months of unemployment to really think about what I've been doing professionally since getting out of school six years ago, where I made mistakes, what I've learned, and where I want to go with this new job. This interim experience has been valuable, because it has helped me to realize that it is ok - sometimes even necessary - to say no. When you say yes all the time, you overcommit and get nothing done at all, and I know I've been guilty of that in the past. And then there's the whole boundaries issue. People only need to smell weakness once, and they will continue to push their boundaries with you, and pretty soon you end up being a doormat that nobody listens to or respects. Sometimes I am so eager to please, and win people over, that I compromise myself. That has never ended well for me. I have a new opportunity with my new position, and I am determined to correct some of these tendencies.

Besides, if I want to deal with someone who has absolutely no respect for me, and who refuses to listen to me, I can go home and spend some time with my spunky little dog. At least she's cute.

And Now, Another Word From Gracie

2007-11-30T13:41:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's me again.

Let me start by thanking my Auntie Jamie for sending my Mommy the following link. Between the two of you, I'm pretty sure you've managed to give my Grandma Jan a heart attack. Thanks a lot. Who is going to feed me deviled eggs and orange jello now?

The rest of you can bear witness to my humiliation here.

Speaking of Auntie Jamie, my Mommy has to go walk Cousin Frankie right now, and then there are many other errands she has to run. So she left me here to share that bit of early Christmas cheer with all of you. It's better than spending an afternoon in my crate, I guess.

She told me to tell you she may get those things she calls picks done today, or you can check back in tomorrow if you...let's see, how did she put it...."are burning to know what she thinks she knows about football." And then she mentioned some guy named Golic, if he is reading he should check in again.

I think my Mommy needs help. Me? I need a nap. Maybe some peanut butter....

Off To A Good Start

2007-11-29T16:14:00.001-06:00

So yesterday and today I made it into the gym after my shift at the coffee shop, and it felt great to be back. Going to the gym, for me, is a lot like riding a bike for most people - you may not do it all the time, but the minute you're back at it it's as if you never stopped.

I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't lose 50 pounds in one week the last time I did this, and that it's not going to happen that way this time. If I am consistent, however, and work hard in there, things will start to look and fit different in as little time as a month. It's amazing what your body is capable of doing when you go from being completely unhealthy and sedentary to even moderately active. Most people, especially women, want to quantify their battle by counting how many pounds they lose, but I learned the last time the real secret is to watch how your clothes start to fit you - or not. In fact, people - again especially women - tend to gain weight at first as they begin building the muscle back up and a lot of times it's enough to discourage them from keeping at it, because they don't wait for the day when their pants are falling off their hips. That's what happened to me last time. My friend Gail and I used to joke that I looked like a bag lady at one point, because all of my pants were so freaking big on me.

The other big thing is strength training and - if you have a lot of weight to lose - not skimping on the cardio. A lot of women are very reluctant to lift weights, and only want to do about 30 minutes of light cardio, when pushing yourself and lifting will melt the fat off of you in no time. I also learned that the last time, and I have re-embraced lifting weights this week. The next-day burn feels great. I combine it with at least 60 minutes of cardio each time I work out. It is a lot of work, and sometimes it means spending up to 90 minutes in the gym a day, but man will it be worth it the first time I fit into a pair of size 12 jeans. Once you get to where you want to be, and it becomes about maintaining, it's a lot easier to only do half an hour or so on the elliptical, but for those first grueling months it's all about pushing yourself and putting in the time. That of course doesn't mean giving yourself a heart attack, but no pain no gain, or in this case, loss. I think that's why so many people in this country who buy gym memberships in January fail by February - simply showing up isn't going to cut it. You have to push.

I guess a lot of you have been around long enough to have heard this before. Getting in there this week made me realize how much further along I could be right now if I had never stopped. Granted, I didn't have much control overthe situation in the end, when I could no longer walk, but still. I am going to do my research and my homework this time, and ensure that I do not put myself in that position again. I think that starts with not running, at all. I'm perfectly happy to get on the elliptical machine and let it kick my ass for an hour, instead. I don't think I will ever be able to compete in a triathalon, because I don't think I will ever take up running again, but I can set other goals for myself, and that's ok too.

The first goal I am setting is a short-term one, and that is to fit comfortably in a size 14 by Christmas-time. I start my job January 2nd and I really want to be able to go clothes shopping without being reduced to tears. At the present time I am sitting in the No-Man's Land between clothes you buy at Lane Bryant and clothes you buy at New York and Company, so this goal is very realistic if I just stick with it for the next few weeks. Lane Bryant is very cute and all, but I'm fairly addicted to New York and Company for work stuff. I would love to be able to traipse in there again and fit into their stuff. I think it's a good first goal.

Finally, as I leave you today - I am totally taking the Packers tonight. I really think 9th time is a charm for Brett Favre in Texas Stadium tonight against the Cowboys. I'll be back tomorrow with the rest of my NFL Week 13 picks, and maybe even a rant or two about why Bill Belichick should stop eating children for breakfast.

Wow.

2007-11-28T11:26:00.000-06:00

Last night I ripped the thighs out in the third and final pair of jeans I own. I was flipping through Brian's pictures on his cell phone and came across one of myself and almost cried, it was so terrible. Of course, I immediately deleted it.

I'm so damned tired of fighting the weight battle.

I'm tired of being hounded by body image, and what I should look like. At the same time, I'm tired of being overweight and unhealthy and I want to change it. I had back surgery in January, to repair the damage I did to myself the last time I got all gung-ho about being in better shape, and I'm scared to death of doing it to myself again. But, my knees ache all the time now, and I know it's because they can't support the tub of lard that is the rest of me.

I have no willpower. I can't seem to quit smoking for good, I can't quit eating like a pig, and I drink Coke like it's my job. What was different the last time I did this and succeeded? The only different factor I can identify is that I was single and living alone. When I wanted a salad and a piece of George Foreman chicken for dinner, I could have it. George and I were really tight. I wasn't living with someone who loves bread, butter, potatoes, and red meat all in the same recipe. Mr. Boyfriend has indicated that he is willing to eat better with me, but I highly doubt he is going to give up many of the things I no longer want to eat. I used to pooh-pooh the women on the Oxygen magazine forums who bemoaned having a husband and kids to cook for, because it supposedly made it much harder for them to prepare healthy meals for themselves, but man, I totally get it now. I can't expect Brian to go on the same clean eating diet with me, but the real question is - will I have the willpower to go on that same diet myself when there is so much temptation to continue eating so poorly?

And then there is the smoking. I. Hate. Smoking. It's a disgusting stupid habit that I do mostly out of boredom. If I am not at home, by myself, I feel no real desire to smoke. I promised myself that, when I got my job, I was going to kick the sticks and get back in the gym full-time, come Hell or high water, and that's just what has to happen. The fact of the matter is, I need to do this for myself, or I am going to have a stroke and/or a heart attack before I am 30. Every time I don't want to eat better, or smoke, or drink Coke, I need to remember how disgusting I look right now, and how rich my family history is with strokes and cardiac arrest.

And, that I no longer own any pants.

Ah Mondays...A day by any other name would not smell so sweet

2007-11-26T12:40:00.001-06:00

Hi you guys!

How were your holidays? Mine was fan-freaking-tastic. Mom and Grandma rolled into town to cook the turkey dinner, buying me at least another year before I have a stroke over cooking a holiday dinner, and man was it tasty! Also, I have a "real" job once again! Woo hoo! And, my boyfriend and I now own a playstation 2 so I can play Mortal Kombat every day all day if I want between now and when I start my new gig.

The only thing that would have made this weekend any better is if Philadelphia had beaten the Evil Empire last night...but at least they almost did. They sure as Hell came closer than any other team this season, so far, and a heck of a lot closer than anyone out there was expecting them to come.

I know you all are heartbroken I didn't pick the games for this weekend, but the week started on Thursday afternoon and quite frankly, my heart wasn't in to much of anything until Wednesday afternoon when I got my fabulous news. Truth be told, this probably would have been my worst week of picking them yet, aside from those Cleveland Browns! How about that game yesterday, eh?

I spent the weekend kicking my boyfriend's ass as the creepy sharp-toothed creature in Mortal Kombat and knitting up quick hats for my mom and grandma. It was a very relaxed holiday. I hope yours was too.

Happy Monday!

Good Things Are Worth Waiting For...

2007-11-22T09:07:00.000-06:00

If you cannot tell from the photo and title, I got some VERY good news last night at 5:30! Hooray! I can re-join the ranks of the gainfully employed!

A Very Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Wonky Field Goals, A Train Rex, And Who The HELL Is Chester Taylor?

2007-11-19T12:32:00.000-06:00

Ok.

Apparently I am not so great at picking these games. But, I take solace in the fact that if I am not good at it, then neither are the guys paid to do it week in and week out.

Take the Jets and Steelers - the Jets weren't supposed to win that game! Hell, they weren't even supposed to be in that game. Where the Hell did that offense come from? Coach Tomlin from Pittsburgh called his team's "stinking it up" a collective effort. Uh, yeah Coach. I'd say so. And you're the team that's supposed to have a chance at toppling the Evil Empire? And you can't beat Bill Bellichick's one-time protegee and his lousy team? Oy vey.

Oh, and the Browns? Yeah, they had that game at halftime. My mother rightly commented that, if the Browns didn't have to play a second half, they'd be a great team. Instead, they're relying on crazy field goals and living on a prayer just to win by 3 in overtime. And, giving my poor boyfriend a stroke in the process. They didn't once call the Browns the Cardiac Kids for nothing, I tell ya.

Same with the Bears. If they didn't have to come out after halftime and finish the game, they'd be the big cheese in the NFC. Instead some team with cheesehead fans are. Poor little Rex Grossman. He tried. He really did, but regardless I'm sure they're roasting him today in the Chicago papers and once again calling for his head.

And let's not forget Minnesota. Rookie phenom Adrian Peterson was out this week with an injury, so naturally I thought - as did most of the NFL Sunday Countdown guys - that Minnesota didn't have a snowman's chance in Hell of winning that game. Instead some dude named Chester shows up and runs up and down the field for an insane number of rushing yards.

All in all, it was a crazy Sunday in the NFL. I'll be sitting on my couch tonight pulling for the Titans, so that my numbers this week aren't as atrocious as my numbers from last week were.

At least Bad Dad Karma didn't get me this week.

NFL Picks Week 11

2007-11-16T13:03:00.000-06:00

Well, let's see if I can do better this week than I did last week. I really stunk it up last week picking them.

It's been a HUGE week in sports news, people. Barry Bonds is in deep shit. A-Rod once again got publicity during a heavy sports news day and agreed to a tentative deal with the Yankees. And Playboy is picking America's sexiest sportscaster because, you know, God forbid we rate female sportscasters based on their ability to intelligently talk sports. Nope, tits and ass people, tits and ass.

Ugh. Let's not even go down that road. I'll just get salty. Here are my week 11 picks, in no particular order:

Chicago Bears at Seattle: Did you hear? Rex Grossman is baaaaack. Lord, help the Bears. And if you can swing it, Lord, I have a lovely Friend who would love to wake up Monday morning with Brian Urlacher next to her in bed. If that's too much to ask, then please, just let them win this week. I really hope little Rex does well, because I hate to see people fail. Lord knows I've had enough of that myself lately. Of course, this does not apply to Tom Brady. He can fail all he wants. Once again this week we will be praying for a "mishap" on the field. But we'll get to the Evil Empire in a minute. I'll take Chicago here. I think Rex will come out and play as best he can, and I don't think Seattle has much to offer offensively. They took Charlie Frye from the Browns, for God's sake. Any team who spends a penny on that man can't be a winner....

Arizona Cardinals at Cincinnati: I like Cincy again this week. Even though they haven't done much this year to show it, they have one of the best Quarterbacks in the NFL, and you gotta love Chad Johnson (Ocho Cinco). I love Ocho Cinco, and I would love to see Carson Palmer have a good game. Besides, Arizona...that's not a football type of state, if you ask me. Too hot! Bengals.

Carolina at Green Bay: I'm not tempting fate again. I'll take the Pack and pray I get some good Dad Karma to make up for the bad Dad Karma I dished out for myself last week.

Miami at Philadelphia: HA! I don't think Miami could win against a team of JV prep schoolers. They did re-instate Ricky "I'm a Pothead" Williams this week, but he isn't available to play until the 26th and let's face it, he will have failed another drug test by then. Go Eagles!

Kansas City at Indianapolis: Indy is plagued with pretty debilitating injuries right now, and everyone is doubting their status as that other good team in the AFC. Still, I just love Peyton Manning, don't you? His commercials are so funny. And, I think he'll do everything he can to win this game, after last week's fall to San Diego. Colts.

San Diego at Jacksonville: I'm picking the Chargers here. I hate the Jaguars uniforms, they're nipping at Indy's heels for the lead in their division, and who wants a football team from Flori-duh to do well anyway? Yeah, I'm still salty from last year's BCS Championship game between OSU and U of F. Boo Florida. Go Chargers.

In other news, OSU better WHUP Michigan's ass tomorrow. I'm just saying. Bad, bad things will happen if the Buckeyes don't go into that place and take care of some bidness. Like Boyfriend-having-a-stroke-kind of bad. I don't need that kind of bad. Not right now.

NY Giants at Detroit: Hmmm...I am just not sure which way to go on this one. I'd like to see little Eli Manning do well. It's got to be so hard to be Peyton's little brother. On the other hand, the Lions have played well at home. Still, the Detroit Pistons routinely humiliate Cleveland in basketball, so my sort-of hatred of Rasheed Wallace means I'll pick NY this week. I know, I'm real rational this week huh? Rasheeeeed!

Pittspuke at NY Jets: This is a blowout if ever there was one this week. The Jets stink worse than Barry Bond's (steroid-infused) "protein" shakes. As much as I hate rooting for the Steelers in any way shape or form, I just don't think the Jets can cut the mustard here. Pittsburgh.

Oakland at Minnesota: Well, star Viking Adrian Peterson is injured and out for Sunday's game, and let's face it - without him the Vikings have no offense. Sorry Nat. The Raiders aren't any better, but I'm taking them anyway. Dante Culpepper is playing for Oakland, and I think coming back to where it all began for him, in Minnesota, has lit a fire under his ass. At least, let's hope so.

Washington at Dallas: Cowboys. Totally the Cowboys here. Tony Romo and the gang are lighting it up in the NFC. Washington isn't totally sucking, but I believe in momentum. And T.O.

Tampa Bay at Atlanta: The Bucs. They've been doing well this year. I'm don't have to invoke my anti-Vick clause this time. Tampa is the better team.

St. Louis at San Francisco: The Rams are favored here, even though they are playing on the road, but the 49'ers are....well...they're kind of putrid this year. I'll take St. Louis too.

New Orleans at Houston: I know absolutely nothing about the Texans. Go Saints.

New England at Buffalo: God, how I wish the Bills would be the team to upset the Evil Empire! Alas, I just don't think it's going to happen. Sadly. Still, I won't actively root for Tom Brady. I'll be prudent and pick the Evil Empire, but Lord I hope I lose this one. I feel so unclean. :(

Cleveland at Baltimore: Go Browns! Last week's game was miserable, in true Cleveland fashion, but the Ravens are having a Lohan-esque meltdown this season. This is probably the first time ever that people in Cleveland are pleased that their old team is now in Baltimore, and not still in Cleveland. I'm confident in picking Cleveland this week. I think they can do it! And also, see "Boyfriend Stroke" segment above. It applies here too.

Tennessee at Denver (Monday Night): Eh. I'm taking the underdog here. Go Tennessee! This game is fun to watch, regardless of who's playing, because Tony Kornheiser and Ron "Jaws" Jaworski are the funniest Monday Night Football broadcasting team ever! Don't believe me? Turn on MNF on ESPN and see for yourself.

Gosh all this picking is exhuasting! Still, it does take the mind off other, more nerve-wracking things, if only for a few minutes.

See you Monday!

Boy Do I Have A Book For You...

2007-11-15T14:43:00.000-06:00

You need to head on out to Borders or your local bookstore and pick up Drunk, Divorced, and Covered in Cat Hair by Crazy Aunt Purl. Some of you may have read her blog, either on your own or because you clicked my link to the left, but if you haven't you can check out her (hilarious) blog here, but then do yourself a favor and go buy her book.

Even if you've never been drunk, divorced, or covered in cat hair you will appreciate this book, because we all have our own little versions of hot mess crazy, and she does a great job of articulating how we get to that point, and how we get past it. I've been reading her blog for a few years now, and there were times when I was ready to unhinge in my own crazy way, and she would make me laugh so hard I would forget what had made me so upset to begin with. CAP reminds us that it's ok to be a little special, and that life is much better if you can see the humor of your predicament and remember that it isn't all bad. She has been inspiring to me. I have emailed with her once or twice, and it's very exciting to me that somebody I have actually conversed with (sort of) in person is an author!

She's also a seriously talented knitter, and the book includes some of her best patterns, including the simple hat recipe, which taught me how to finally knit a hat that would actually fit my head and not a basketball. Seriously, if for nothing else get the book to read her knitting patterns. Anybody who writes patterns with accompanying reccomendations for alcoholic beverages is five-star in my book, and should be in yours too.

Going Off Food

2007-11-13T13:36:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I'd like to say that when I get nervous I stop eating, but that's not the case. Working in a coffee shop with a splendid array of muffins, scones, cakes, and cookies is NOT helping me at the moment. I don't see how people working in the coffee shop/bakery environment aren't all over 300 pounds. The all-you-can-drink coffee doesn't help either. I'm so cranked up on caffeine by the time I get home every day I'm twitching. I'd like to go to the gym, and burn off some of this energy, but after standing on my feet for six straight hours I just can't seem to find the motivation to go work out. Lazy, party of one, right here. I have managed, on the other hand, to knit a few hats and get cracking on the BJ Blanket. I'll post some pics soon.

Anyway, I'm pretty nervous at the present moment. I promise that, by the end of this week, I'll quit being so vague, but for now I want to play it safe and wait to see what happens. Sorry Nat, I'm taking a page out of your book here. Congratulations are in order for my friend Nat over at Almost Interesting Musings on Life, by the way. Why don't you click on her link in the left column and go wish her well?

It's certainly bound to be more entertaining than reading any more of my cracked out musings at the present moment.

Keeping My Day Job....

2007-11-12T12:51:00.000-06:00

Oh Man.

I did terrible this week at picking them, eh? But, there were quite a few upsets. St. Louis wasn't supposed to win, and Indy wasn't supposed to lose. Bad Dad karma got me, picking against Green Bay, and the Browns once again proved that they are the quintessential Cleveland sports team - take us to the top and then choke choke choke. Stupid Browns.

All around, it wasn't a good weekend for Ohio football. OSU lost to Illinois, for God's sake. Here's hoping they get it together to pummel Michigan this weekend.

Work this morning was dead, and there's nothing worse than being stuck at work when it's slooooow. I may have some very good news on the job front by the end of this week, so keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm not gonna say anything just yet, because I don't want to jinx myself. Those of you who know me well know I've been down this road before.....

Later

NFL Week 10

2007-11-09T16:26:00.000-06:00

Hey Everyone,

Picks are a bit late today because I pulled a double at the coffee shop. Better late than never, eh?

As of last week I am 9-4. Let's see how I do this week!

Cleveland at Pittspuke: I think we all know who I am taking in this one. Pittsburgh is favored, and they're playing at home, but I think the Browns have a little humble pie to serve them after the week one embarrassment the Steelers dished out to them in Cleveland. Go Browns!

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys: New York is coming off a bye week, but their second half numbers for the past three years have been atrocious. Dallas has been on the roll. The pick here depends on what you value more in football - a good offense (Dallas) or a pretty decent defense (Giants). I'm taking Dallas again.

Chicago at Oakland: If the Bears don't pull it together this weekend, they may as well kiss their season goodbye. Playing Oakland is after a bye week is almost as easy as it gets, besides Miami, but it seems that the easier it should be the harder the Bears make it on themselves. Still, gotta root for the home team. C'mon Devin Hester!

Philadelphia Eagles at Washington Redskins: Like the Bears, Philly has to pull it together this week to keep their season afloat. The Redskins haven't been playing too poorly, but I'm thinking Donovan McNabb is going to do whatever he can to secure a win for the Eagles. Philly.

Buffalo Bills at Miami Dolphins: Miami stinks. They are winless at the halfway point, and I don't see that changing this Sunday. Buffalo is just playing too well right now. Bills.

Jacksonville at Tennessee: Bo-ring. I'll go with the Titans again this week.

Denver Broncos at Kansas City Chiefs: KC is doing ok, but it doesn't look like Larry Johnson will be playing. Still, they're at home, and Denver hasn't been too good playing on the road this year. Go Chiefs.

New Orleans Saints vs. St. Louis Rams: St. Louis is the other winless team at the halfway point. I'd hate to think two teams are going to come out of week 10 with a winless record, but I don't think St. Louis has the offensive power to beat the Saints. I'll take New Orleans.

Carolina Panthers at Atlanta: Panthers. See week 9 for the Michael Vick clause. Hey, hate dies hard, folks.

Minnesota at Green Bay: Hmm...Favre is having a record-breaking year, but Golic made a good point this morning. As it gets colder, and therefore harder to control the football, you gotta have a running game to run the ball, and Green Bay has no running game. Minnesota, on the other hand, does. Sorry dad, I'm taking Minnesota this week.

Cincinnati at Baltimore: Another AFC division biggie. I'm not betting against Ocho-Cinco two weeks in a row, especially since the morale in Baltimore right now is at an all time low. When your defense is mad at your offense, or the lack thereof, it's pretty tough to win football games. I'm going with Chad and the gang in Cincy.

Detroit at Arizona: Man, the Lions are doing waaaay better than anyone expected them to do this year. Who wants to mess with momentum? Motor City Kitties all the way.

Indianapolis Colts vs. San Diego: It's hard to say which of these teams has a bigger chip on their shoulder this week - the Colts who despite being the Super Bowl champs suffered a week's worth of being ignored before losing to the Evil Empire, or San Diego, who got steamrollered last week by Adrian Peterson and the Viking's running game. I'm taking the Colts here. I think they're out to show the world that they're still the one in the AFC.

MONDAY NIGHT: San Francisco at Seattle: Don't know much about either team here, except that the Browns beat the Seahawks last week. San Fran isn't doing too bad this year, but I'm going to go with Seattle this week.

Ok, there you have it. The Evil Empire is on a bye this week, along with the Jets, Tampa Bay, and Houston. Tune in next week to see how I did!

And Now, A Word From Gracie

2007-11-08T13:03:00.000-06:00

I am the most spoiled dog in the world.

Before I came along, no dog would ever have been allowed to put their head - however precious it might be - on my Grandma Jan's dining room table. I love my Grandma Jan. She feeds me all sorts of things I'm not usually allowed to have - Doritos, orange popsicle, hot dogs.... I'm real excited she might be coming out for this holiday they call Thanksgiving around here. Something tells me I might get some of this turkey stuff they keep talking about if she's here. I hope it tastes like bacon. Daddy sneaks me some bacon every week when he makes breakfast.

My mommy knits me all sorts of ridiculous items, and was trying to get me to pose in one of them for today's post, but I wasn't having it. Sometimes she forgets who wears the pants in this household, but I make sure to remind her.

Well, all this typing is hard on my paws and my Ohio State bed is not where I left it, so I need to go now. My mommy will be back tomorrow with something she keeps calling "picks". I know nothing about this. I doubt they taste like bacon, though.

Lefty is Good

2007-11-07T15:26:00.000-06:00

Yeah I flipped everything around. I just like it so much better with a column going down the left side.

I have way too much time on my hands, obviously.

Mid-Week Musings

2007-11-07T13:01:00.000-06:00

This post has no central theme, except that it's a list of things I've been pondering lately. I really enjoy making lists, for everything from grocery needs to knitting supplies I'd love to own. I keep a little Moleskin journal in my bag at all times, and when something strikes me as interesting or amusing or worth contemplating I jot down my thoughts. I thought today I would share a few of them here.

1. If I were Queen of this country the first thing I would do, after dismissing cheerleaders from the NBA and NFL of course, is make working in the service industry mandatory for six months for every citizen. Forget the army, people need to really understand what it is to live on tips. It's not your server/barista/bartender's fault that the American service industry lest tipping compensate for their lack of paying a living wage. Without your tips at your local coffee shop, restaurant, or bar most people in the service industry make less than $6 an hour. Believe me when I tell you that those of us who have worked in the service industry would much rather make more an hour than rely on the generosity of our fellow human beings to make ends meet.

So here's what I think - everybody in this country should have to wait tables, pour drinks, or make coffee for six months. Then, everybody would know what it's like to pray you make enough in tips to compensate for your substandard wage. I know a lot of people look at a tip as a way to reward exceptional service, and in a perfect world where servers were paid a living wage that would be a welcome circumstance, but it's just not the reality of the business. Certainly, if you receive exceptional service you should feel free to leave a more generous tip, but the next time you throw a penny into the tip jar on the counter and think you're doing anyone a favor - think again. And thanks for nothing. Keep your penny pal, you need it more than I do.

2. What is it about human nature that we always seek the unoccupied pair of seats on the bus/train first? I was thinking about this the other day while I rode the #36 bus home. What is it about us that makes us seek space and solitude? People will go to great lengths to not have to interact or even share space with strangers - they put on their i-pod, they bury their nose in a book, or - and worst of all - they place their bags on the seat next to them. All so they don't have to share anything of themselves! How did we get this way? Now, I understand that many of these pains are taken as a necessity, almost, because nobody wants to get cornered by a crazy. Lord knows we have more than our fair share of those here in Chicago, and that they really like making our CTA rides more - well - interesting, let's say. But, we're not all crazy. Some days, some very normal looking people sit down around me on the bus or train, and they pull out a good book I've also read, or their knitting needles, but as much as I would like to engage them in delightful conversation it would make me look like the crazy. I swear, it was all I could do to not be the crazy when I saw everyone reading the last Harry Potter novel in July. I just wanted to sit down and talk their ears off. Is this just me being from Ohio? Or, am I too open and chatty for my own good?

There is only one arena where I personally see this phenomena suspended, and that is among dog owners. My boyfriend and I often remark on the strange openness between strangers who own dogs. We joke that we must have joined some secret society when we got our dog, where it's perfectly ok to start talking to random strangers because, hey, you both own dogs so you must be fairly normal. I've had some really good conversations with fellow dog owners over the past year. We take our little dog to the dog park around the corner from our house almost every night, to let her burn off some of her insane energy, and there is a regular little group of us who turn up there most nights during the week. I know most of the dogs by name there, but not their owners, and yet we have the most wonderful conversations. I even made a friend at the dog park a few months back. We haven't been able to get together since, but we stay in touch on the internet, and I look forward to the day we actually do get to hang out.

This got me thinking in general about social capital, and the ways in which we earn it. Obviously owning a dog entitles you to social capital, but maybe so do things like spouses, (human) kids, or condos. The people who live in the condos behind our building are always out and about, socializing with each other. Is it because of their shared economic ability to afford their beautiful homes, or the fact that at least half of the women are pregnant or sporting a newborn on their hips? It's weird.

3. My final thought for today was - how could I make sculpture out of discarded espresso grounds? I really like running the warm soggy dirt-like grounds through my hands. It would be really cool to think of something I could do with them besides fondle them.

Not all of my thoughts are deep, you know.

By The Way....

2007-11-06T12:41:00.001-06:00

Pittsburgh won last night and made me 9-4 at this picking winners thing.

Look out Sunday NFL Countdown guys. I might have your job next year!

How A Woobie Changed My Life

2007-11-06T12:39:00.000-06:00

Those of you who know me well know that life hasn't always been this good. You know that, almost four years ago to this day, I hit rock bottom and ended up in the hospital for a week. It seems that every year at this time since then, I have tried to take inventory of my life, and where I am, and where I am going. It's strange, but sometimes it's the little things we do that lead to the big things that happen in our lives.

Four years ago I was living in Chicago, in this very same building, and flying in and out of O'Hare and Midway every single week. Almost to this day, four years ago, I was in the hospital recovering from a bout of nervous exhaustion that almost killed me. In the interests of what I thought was "simplifying" my life, at the time, I left Chicago to move closer to my family in Ohio.

Three years ago at this time I was living in Ohio again, in a tiny cramped apartment, and working every day. I was exhausted after months of volunteering for John Kerry, and the bitter reality of facing four more years of George W. Bush making a mockery of our society kept me in bed for almost a week. I had no friends, no hobbies, and nothing to look forward to besides the Thai takeout I ate almost every single night for dinner.

Two years ago at this time I was living alone in Cleveland, working non-stop, and stuck. I was stuck in a city I hated, stuck in a job that was sapping me of everything I had to give, and...stuck with myself. I kept talking about moving back to Chicago, or getting a dog, or going back to school, or spending more time writing, but it was just that - talk. It seems now, in retrospect, that my job left me little time to do anything but talk, but I was also scared of what had happened to me two years before, and how it had changed me. Everybody goes through things that change them, and challenge everything they think they know about themselves. For some people it's losing a loved one, or going through a divorce, or being laid off from work. I was trying to deal with feeling normal again, and not letting the breakdown get the best of me.

The biggest risk I took two years ago was picking up a pair of knitting needles and attempting to make a scarf. It ended up being a gigantic sort-of-square-shaped purple monstrosity, but I folded it up carefully and set it in my glass cabinet. It wasn't a scarf, but it would make the perfect woobie for a puppy...someday.

"Someday" came on a snowy day last December when she came home....with us. Seven months later we were in the car, with a U-Haul packed to the brim, and heading out of Ohio, for the last time.

Today I sit looking out at the very same street I would look out on four years ago, with a little, snoring, sweater-wearing Boston Terrier in my lap, and I realize how taking one little risk set a whole chain of events into motion, however unrelated they may seem to be.

If my neighbor (and eventual best friend ever) Gail hadn't invited me to Starbucks that night for a knitting how-to with her co-worker Clara, I might not be sitting here right now, trying to maneuver around a lazy little dog to write this. Life is better now than I think it has ever been, but it just as easily could still be the same as it ever was. I could look back now and say "never be afraid to take chances", but hindsight is 20/20. I was determined to give that purple monstrosity to a dog, someday, and knitting that mistake became the first of many life-changing experiences.

I won't say never be afraid to take chances, but I will say never underestimate the power of a piece of horrible knitting.

It could very well change your life.

Mondays Are Crazy. Again.

2007-11-05T10:30:00.000-06:00

Ok, so today was the first day I worked by myself and of course people were coming in and ordering all kinds of ridiculousness that I had no idea how to make! I got the lattes, and the mochas people, let's keep it that simple!

Haha, it was an opportunity to learn, and that's how I choose to approach this "interlude" as I like to think of this job. If nothing else, I get to add Barista to my list of mad skills.

Last night Jamie taught me how to crochet. For those of you who either knit or crochet, you know how foreign the other craft seems. There are very few crafty people out there who enjoy or even bother learning both. Last night was the first time where I actually understood the concept of crochet. I've tried to pick up the hook a few times, but it just made no sense to me. Jamie is a good teacher, however, and I enjoyed the simplicity of making chains and twisting my hook here and there, but I don't see it usurping my joy of it's two-sticked sister. But, we made cookies and flipped through Debbie Stoller's book The Happy Hooker, and had a delightful time.

I did pretty well on my picks for week 9! Did you see? As of now I am 8-4 with one to still be determined. As we can see, picking based on personal hatred and flashy uniforms did not work out so well for me. Atlanta and New England still won, and Oakland lost. Minnesota beating San Diego was a total shocker, however. Maybe Adrian Peterson can give Devin Hester a few pointers on how to singlehandedly carry his football team because the rookie is tearing it up! He rushed for an insane number of yards yesterday. Good for him. I like seeing newbies do well.

I never thought I'd here this come out of my mouth but - Go Pittsburgh! You can make me 9-4 and that would totally rock my socks.

NFL Picks: Week 9

2007-11-02T14:42:00.001-05:00

I want this blog to have something special that makes it mine. Natalie has guess that song, Monica plays you Belle & Sebastian videos, Crazy Aunt Purl can make you laugh til you pee in your pants, and Kody May can give you (functional) fabulous knitting patterns. I'm going to do football picks. If you are a football fan, leave your picks in the comments. If you're not - don't run away. Learning a bit about football could help you some day. I don't know how - but it could. At one time nobody thought turning an envy of birds into scientific genius would benefit the human race, but look at us now. This is one component of this blog where I will put the training wheels on and make it as easy and painless as I can, I promise.

Let me preface my picks by also saying that of the three major sports I watch - baseball, basketball, and football - the last is the one I know and care the least about. That being said, I do like trying my hand every weekend at picking the winners. I think it springs from a childhood with a mother who knew more about football and how to pick 'em than any other woman I have ever met in my life, as well as most men. I guess marrying my father meant paying attention on Sunday. Whatever it was, the woman can pick a winner. I believe she has won more than one office pool. My picks, however, are based 1) on what I DO know about a particular team and their capabilities 2) my gut reaction when #1 offers no assistance, 3) in the event both 1&2 fail, who has the better uniform, and finally 4) my severe personal love/hatred of a particular player.

I am a girl, you know.

The two things my picks are not based on are the point spread and over/under. See, that would involve understanding math. It took me four years to get how Downs work in football, and that you have 4 tries to go 10 yards (that's for those of you who know even less than me, and believe me that can't be a lot), and that's pretty much the extent of my math skills as they apply to football. Math aptitude in sports, like knitting, means knowing what I need to know to get by. In the case of the latter if you ever try one of my patterns I can offer no help on the gauge. See, I never make swatches or measure my work, and I pay no attention to specific instructions on the yarn. I'll give you needle size and yarn type, but beyond that you're on your own. It might be helpful to know that I knit really, REALLY tight. But I digress.

Back to football. Without further ado, and in no particular order besides that established by the listing in today's Red Eye, I offer my week 9 picks.

1. Green Bay at Kansas City: This one is a case of me knowing a smidge about the Packers and nothing at all about Kansas City. Brett Favre is having an incredible season, but the Pack has no running game. Nonetheless, my father would disown me if I did not take Green Bay. There's some Packer stock in my future somewhere.

2. Denver at Detroit: The Lions aren't the suckiest team in the NFC this year. Being from Cleveland I could never root for the Broncos after living through the 80's in a Browns-crazy household. So, the Motor City Kitties get my vote.

3. Carolina at Tennessee: Hmmm. Is Tennessee QB Vince Young back yet? I'll take the Titans. I know nothing at all about the Titans besides their QB's name, and even less than that about Carolina.

4. San Diego at Minnesota: The rookie Viking Adrian Peterson is pretty exceptional, but one talented player on a team can't carry the show. Just ask Bears' star punt-returner Devin Hester. That being said, let's take San Diego.

5. Washington at NY Jets: The Jets are terrible this year. Coach Eric Mangini's outing of Bill Bellichek early in the season for spying on opponents seems to have earned the team a huge heaping of bad karma. Washington for sure.

6. San Francisco at Atlanta: Number 4 applies here. I will never root for a team that supported Michael Vick in any way, shape, or form. San Francisco.

7. Cincinnati at Buffalo: I love, LOVE Chad Johnson from Cincy, but if Cincy and Baltimore both lose this weekend and Cleveland wins, the Browns are #2 in their division, and that's glory the likes of which Browns fans haven't seen in a long looong time. I'm taking Buffalo. Sorry Ocho-Cinco.

8. Jacksonville at New Orleans: The Jags defense trumps the Saints' depleted offense. But, their uniforms are tack-y. Teal in the NFL? Are you serious? Saints.

9. Arizona at Tampa Bay: I was on a flight once with Kurt Warner that got held up on the tarmac for HOURS. He was a pretty good sport about all the people rushing first class to get his autograph, but at the St. Louis airport later on that night he looked like he might eat a small child. I'm taking Tampa. Did I mention that it was a flight from Tampa to St. Louis? Weirrrrrd.......

10. Seattle at Cleveland: I like being with the Boy, and I love the fat little man that coaches Cleveland (his name is Romeo, for goodness sakes), so we'll take the Browns. Like the Lions, the Browns are not the worst team in their conference. Or even their division. Derek Anderson is putting up insane numbers and should he fail America's next Tom Brady (minus the evil) is waiting in the wings. His name is Brady, too. You might have heard of him.

11. New England at Indianapolis: Speaking of evil. I know New England is obscenely favored here, despite playing on the road and the fact that the Colts are having a stellar season of their own, but let me share something very important about myself here. I pray very hard, every week, for somebody - anybody - to sit on Tom Brady and break his throwing shoulder and put him out for the season. I don't want him dead, just permanently incapacitated. Then, he could spend some time with the baby he dumped for Giselle Bundchen. When they played Cleveland a few weeks ago I spent the entire game praying defensive lineman Ted Washington (who makes William "The Fridge" Perry of Bears lore look small) would somehow miraculously heave his 300+ pounds over the line of scrimmage and squash him. He may be a great QB, but he's also a baby-mama-leaving-metrosexual assclown. Oh, and he played for Michigan. I'm taking the underdog here. Peyton honey, play your heart out!

12. Houston at Oakland: I know nothing about either of these teams this year. Oakland has the better uniform. Black and Silver is a great color combo, and they're not from Texas.

13. Dallas at Philly: Philly QB Donovan McNabb once famously said that any NFC team who wants to make it to the Super Bowl has to pass through Philly first. The Eagles have been inconsistent this season, and personal troubles are plaguing their head coach. The Cowboys have been on a roll, and their QB Tony Romo looks like my boyfriend's nephew Cameron will look in about 20 years, so let's go Cowboys. (Tony, don't make me regret this. Put as much distance as you can between yourself and a certain tart named Britney. Now.)

14. Baltimore at Pittsburgh: This is a big AFC Division game, and it's hard to say who I hate more - the team that stole the Browns from Cleveland or the team that routinely humiliates them on the field. That being said, I'd probably be shot for picking Baltimore and I do like the new coach in Pittsburgh (Bill Cowher's shoes are a big pair to fill). Pittsburgh also has an IKEA and the Andy Warhol museum. Pittspuke is my pick.

And there you have it. What about those Bears, you ask? Well, they're on a bye this week, along with Miami, the Giants, and St. Louis. That means they don't have to play, by the way. Here's hoping Lovie and his Bears take advantage of the breather and re-learn the game of football. Or figure out how to clone Devin Hester. About 30 times.

Check in Monday (or Tuesday after the Monday night game) to see how it all turns out!

I Need Some Relationship Therapy

2007-11-01T13:25:00.000-05:00

This is a long one, folks.

Anyone who knows me well knows how much I love baseball. I love it. Growing up in my family meant being sports-literate, regardless of your gender. My father coached Little League and umpires, still does, and the only successful way to communicate effectively with the loveable man is to be fluent in what I like to call SportsSpeak. Here is a useful conversion sample of how we communicate:

What a normal daughter might say:

"Dad, life is really hard right now and I keep feeling let down."

What I say to elect an engaged response from my father:

"Damn, the Indians sure blew it big time this year, eh? I don't know what's worse, being unemployed or being a Cleveland sports fan."

At which point my father erupts into a rant about their bats going cold, their two biggest pitchers choking, A-Rod style, and what an inept moron their manager is. But at the end of his dissertation on how a chimpanzee would do a better job of managing the Indians, he will usually conclude with something like "Don't get down on yourself, J, something is going to come along soon and when it does it will be the right job."

Successful communication achieved. Talking with my dad is no different than going to France. You just have to learn his language. But I digress. We were talking about how much I love baseball.

Get used to the digressing, by the way.

Anyway, I love the baseball, and until very VERY recently I lived and died with the - get your groan ready now - New York Yankees. I bled Yankee blue. My Derek Jeter t-shirt is so old and funky and tattered that it now only gets worn to the gym or on cleaning day. I guess if I were my father it would have been used by now to clean umpiring equipment, which is the eventual fate awaiting most of the t-shirts my father owns, but I do not umpire and as embarrassingly tatty as my shirt is it will never be put to such a disgraceful end. I maxed my credit card out in college at Yankee Stadium, and when I left New York after school to move back to Ohio it was harder for me to give up nightly games on the MSG network than the myriad of used bookstores and Indian restaurants. I missed Derek, Jorge, Bernie, and Joe Torre almost as much as I missed my friends. They had kept me sane through four years at a college where I often felt like a fish out of water.

The one person I did not miss, however, was George Steinbrenner, and in the past few weeks his shenanigans have been enough to seal the deal and staunch the flow of Yankee blue blood running from my veins.

I know that sports fandom is a lifetime committment, especially among men. You live and die with your team. I live in a city with some of the most rabid (and vapid) sports fans on the planet, and if you don't believe me cruise through Wrigleyville some weekend in July. They love their Cubbies out here, even and especially when they are licking the dirt off the floor of the National League cellar. Jesus Christ could be batting cleanup for the White Sox, and hardly anybody would notice, or care. Cubs fans are some committed folks, and this year they had a reason to cheer. If you can't have Joe Torre managing your team, then you want Lou Piniella, and the Cubs acquired him prior to this past season. He's a baseball Svengali, with a temper to rival that of my father's, and his close relationship with former Seattle slugger Alex Rodriguez has sparked numerous mutterings as to whether or not A-Rod might end up here next season if the Cubs are bought in time by an owner willing to shell out the beans (yes Mark Cuban I am speaking directly to you here) to pay him what he's asking for. If the Cubs get A-Rod, watch out National League. But I digress.

The Dodgers recently got Joe Torre, so for now one thing is rather certain for next season - the National League might finally emerge from the shadow of the American League with offensive power and quality pitching, because Joe Torre knows how to manage a team and staff his coaching needs. The stupidest thing the Steinbrenners have done in recent memory is to let Joe Torre walk away, and to insult him in the way that they did, and they will pay the price for it. In fact , they already are. More than one Yankee veteran has declared their free agency and are being actively courted by other teams - including A-Rod and Jorge Posada, and possibly even Mariano Rivera. Posada and Rivera came into their own under Torre's careful management, and it's not hard to imagine that they feel quite a bit of loyalty and gratitude to him for the opportunities he gave them. The exodus of talent and the bitter taste Torre's departure has left in the mouths of Yankee fans and players alike could severely impact their chances of pulling it together next year, especially in a League competing with young upstarts like Cleveland or powerful organizations like the (dreaded) Boston Red Sox.

I am one such fan with that bitter taste, and I'm really struggling right now. I want to root for my team, dammit, but George Steinbrenner and his sons just make it so hard. Rooting for the Yankees comes with some measure of acknowledgement that Steinbrenner is going to piss you off, but this time he's really done himself in with me. It's hard enough to root for the Evil Empire, just ask any working class Yankees fan who will be straight with you, without any added offense. You love the players and the coach, and what they have done as a modern dynasty, but the owner is a - well - he's "special", let's say. When George Steinbrenner took over the team in 1973 he was famously quoted as saying something along the lines of "I'll stick to what I know, building ships." Never have words been eaten so many times over. For anyone who caught the ESPN miniseries The Bronx is Burning this past summer (and really, if you didn't, get it in your Netflix cue), you know of what I speak. I can't think of a more meddlesome, cantankerous, impetuous, or vehemently disliked owner in professional sports, except perhaps Art Modell, but as long as he never shows his face in Cleveland again he'll survive. Everybody knows this about George Steinbrenner, in the sports world, and everybody accepts it. But, after what he did to Joe Torre this summer, I can't abide it any longer.

What is a fan to do? Sports fandom is kind of like a marriage - there is a bond there, and together you should be very happy, but the analogy ends there. In a marriage, if one person isn't carrying their weight, or they cheat on you, or you wake up one day and realize they are not the person you fell in love with, then it's over and your options are open. You can start dating a new partner or embrace singlehood. Things aren't so easy as a sports fan. I can't be a Cubs fan. I'm not a frontrunner or bandwagon jumper, and besides being loyal as Hell, they are also annoying as Hell. I don't have the boobs or the miniskirt required, to be a female Cubs fan. And Cleveland - yeah I am from there and it was nice to see them pull it together this year and give my friends and family something to cheer for (before they choked and became a typical Cleveland sports team again, of course), but I won't claim them as my own. When I was old enough to make a choice for who got my loyalty, I chose New York.

Joe Torre reminded me a lot of my father - calmer and less combative than my dad, perhaps - and it was easy to root for a man and a team who exemplified everything I was taught as a child to appreciate in the game - explosive offense AND defense, a workhorse bullpen, and most importantly class up the ass both on and off the field. I was missing my dad, my home, and for as much as I wanted to be a New Yorker it was a very quick realization that I would always be from the Midwest, but hey, George himself was born in Rocky River and I wasn't the first Clevelander to fall in love with the boys in blue. I was welcome to root for their team, and that made me happy.

But now, the prospect of loving a team that has let me down, and is no longer the team I fell in love with, is making me very distraught. If your husband beat your puppy or your child, you'd leave him. The Yankee front office humiliated and insulted Joe Torre, and in doing so insulted me and everything I love about the game. But how do you walk away?

How do you divorce your sports team, and how do you move on?

Maybe I should pull out my English-to-SportsSpeak dictionary and put this question to my father. He usually says exactly what I need to hear.

Update: Welcome

2007-11-01T11:01:00.001-05:00

So blogger makes it way, WAY too complicated for this to be a private viewing, so welcome, anyone who meanders over here!

For those of you who don't know me I recently moved back to Chicago from Cleveland, OH after abandoning my job/career choice to embrace a better way of life. I'm a knitting sportsaholic with a dog and the greatest man alive. I hope you enjoy visiting this blog.

I ask only 2 things from my readers.

1. If you see a knitting pattern on here you like, please leave me a comment and I can direct you to the link I got it from or send you the full pattern for your personal use. I'm not too fussy about permissions, but I should warn you that a lot of other knitty bloggers will get real salty with you real fast if you steal their patterns without acknowledgement or permission. To save everyone a headache, just drop me a line.

2. Please participate in the discussions on here! I know a lot of people like to lurk, but everyone should feel welcome to comment on any post at any time. I only ask that we all be respectful of each other, and I include myself in this. Please don't start a comment war on my blog. It's so eighth grade Myspace.

Thanks!

Back in the Swing of Things

2007-11-01T10:32:00.000-05:00

So today I did my first day of working as a barista in the little coffee shop around the corner from my house. I really, REALLY liked it. If they paid better I'd probably be really happy to stay there for a while. It's an easy little gig, all the coffee I can drink, AND I can watch Mike & Mike on ESPN. So much for fixing my addiction on those two fronts...

I think I might talk to the ladies about offering free knitting lessons to anyone who comes in for a drink. The place is small, and sort of tucked away, so a lot of people don't see it there on their way to/from the train. It would maybe bring in a little extra business, and officially allow me to knit at work, which would make the job perfect. At least for the time being.

It's funny, because both times I have moved to Chicago I have started out and maintained life here by the grace of the people in my neighborhood. The last time I arrived here I worked in the diviest little bar this side of the Mississippi for quite a while before finding my other gig (which I ended up totally hating). I finally feel comfortable admitting that out loud. I hated what I have been doing for the last seven years. I appreciate, deeply appreciate, all that it taught me and what I can do with the skills and experience I gained from doing it, but I am really excited to be back here, and doing things the way I want to do them this time. It's what inspired me to call this blog what I have called it. There is no instruction manual out there for shifting gears in your life, you kind of have to just do it, and that's what fuels me every day here.

Ok, I'm off for now to go take care of another little bit of business. I won't say anything else just yet, but if you read this today, stop and say a little prayer for me.

Look Who's Back

2007-10-31T11:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, after a 6-month sabbatical and re-locating to a new city, it's me. I'm not even sure if I really want to do this yet, but I couldn't resist turning this page into a virtual copy of my favorite pair of Adidas sneakers. So here I am.

Y'all tell me how well I write, and how I draw you in, and make you care, so maybe this can be fertile planting ground to someday appease my mother,who regularly begs me to write a book. I'm not there yet. I don't feel I have lived even remotely enough to tackle something like that without it coming out contrived and unrealistic. Maybe someday, but for now I want to enjoy living life and writing about it from time to time on here.

Enjoy. I'm off to find a job. Again.

Living Without Training Wheels

Bandwagons make me think of fires

I Got Nothin'...Except a Mini-Rant

Open Season on the Idiots Declared

Oh The Person I Could Be...

And Now, A Word From Gracie

Misery Loves Company. Or Cleveland.

Fifty...Not So Nifty

A Week of Inconsistencies

*Cue the Pink Panther Music*

Colleen They're Calling Us!

Yeah...

The Land That Cable Forgot

Beautiful Little Fools

Ode to the 148

The Disappearance of Class in America

B.P.C.S.

iTunes is CRACK

The New York WHO in the Super WHAT?

Movin' On Up

Commemorating A Life Well-Lived

Better Late Than Never....

2007: What I Did And Didn't Do

Almost Over...

In Lieu Of.....

To Be Someone In A Short Short Life

Moving ON

And Another Thing...

My Two Cents On Selig, Mitchell, And Their Silly Report

Hump Day Humdrums

God to Rex: NOW Do You Get It?

The Battle of Who Could Care Less

Ugh. Can this month just end, please?

And Now, Another Word From Gracie

Off To A Good Start

Wow.

Ah Mondays...A day by any other name would not smell so sweet

Good Things Are Worth Waiting For...

Wonky Field Goals, A Train Rex, And Who The HELL Is Chester Taylor?

NFL Picks Week 11

Boy Do I Have A Book For You...

Going Off Food

Keeping My Day Job....

NFL Week 10

And Now, A Word From Gracie

Lefty is Good

Mid-Week Musings

By The Way....

How A Woobie Changed My Life

Mondays Are Crazy. Again.

NFL Picks: Week 9

I Need Some Relationship Therapy

Update: Welcome

Back in the Swing of Things

Look Who's Back

Cue the Pink Panther Music